The Official Fanfiction University of Artemis Fowl
by Sherlock Emrys
Summary: The Artemis Fowl archive is dying. Badfic authors, with a heinous disregard for canon, are polluting it with cliches and Mary Sues. So a school was set up, to educate these writers in the art of literature. Applications currently closed. ON HIATUS sorry. Expect updates when you don't.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:The idea of OFUs belongs to Miss Cam, who wrote the great Fanfiction University of Middle Earth. I defer entirely to her. I merely came up with this variation.**

**If you don't know what an OFU is, then you will probably figure it out by the end of this chapter. **

**I'm going to need admissions from you lot; as of now, admission is OPEN. More details at the end of this chapter.**

Chapter 1

'Torchie! The trollz wing has burned down again!'

'Miss E! The Student accommodation has disappeared!'

'Sherly! Have you filled out those forms yet?'

The object of these queries sighed and dropped her head in her hands. 'Get a time stop up over the wing and rebuild it, stat. And repair the firewall- the flames shouldn't be getting through. If the student accommodation has disappeared, I will be very surprised, so I suggest that you go and check you didn't get lost and wander onto the lawn by mistake. I'm sure it's here, and the reason for that, you see, very simply, is because I can see it from my window. It's a building, they tend to stay put. And no, I haven't filled out those forms, because you gave them to me half an hour ago and I've been busy, and do not call me Sherly.' The death glare accompanying this last was enough to make the recipient flee in fear. The other staff members muttered thank-you s and also departed, leaving the Headmistress of The Official Fanfiction University of Artemis Fowl to collapse on her desk and go back to sleep.

The University itself was nearly finished. The teams of building gnomes had departed the previous day, and aside from the incident with the trollz containment area (which was quickly being subsumed beneath the blue dome of a time stop) the buildings stood proudly in the Irish sunlight. The grounds were neat and clean, largely because the Students had not arrived yet. That wasn't until tomorrow, where the proud OFU tradition of Learning Through Pain would begin.

* * *

><p>Jeanne finished typing out the last chapter of her story, <em>the Holly And the iVy<em>, and saved it proudly. She peered at the screen, frowning at those red lines squiggling across her page. Word must be broken. Some of them had _green_ lines as well.

Ah, well. She shrugged and opened up the internet, navigating to FanFictionNet. Her story was really popular- it had garnered tons of reviews, although some of them weren't very nice- making all kinds of comments about spelling and grammar. And about some kind of cannon, although Jeanne had no idea what that was meant to mean. But a lot of people liked it, right? Some of them had told her that her character, Ivy, was a Mary Sue. Jeanne didn't know what that was so she'd googled it and found out that it was a perfect character. So they were saying Ivy was perfect? Had to be a good thing. Jeanne grinned in anticipation as she submitted her story. _Rave reviews, here I come!_

There were no rave reviews. Jeanne refreshed her page impatiently. Still nothing. She refreshed it again. Ah, there we go! Jeanne clicked on the review, which appeared in a separate window. They weren't supposed to do that, were they? She shrugged. Obviously FanFictionNet had done a layout change.

Wow. This review was long. Jeanne frowned at the screen as she began to read.

_Dear Miss Jeanne M. Paige,_

_We have been monitoring your story and have decided to offer you a scholarship to OFUAF, a school especially developed for writers such as yourself. You will attend this school beginning tomorrow, or will be prohibited from writing fanfiction for Artemis Fowl ever again. If you graduate from OFUAF, you will be granted a license to write fanfiction._

_Do not worry about packing, or about school fees or travel arrangements; we have arranged everything for you. Please fill out the application form below, and enjoy your evening. I'd make the most of it if I were you._

_Yours,_

_Miss Sherlock Emrys, Headteacher, OFUAF_

_APPLICATION FORM_

Jeanne stopped reading there, frowning at the screen. A scholarship? For writers? Was this some sort of trick? No, it looked official. So she was chosen specially for this school? Obviously, people were finally recognising her literary talent. Although, what kind of school name was OFUAF? And what kind of headteacher was called Sherlock Emrys? That must be a pen name, or something.

Little did Jeanne know, she was- actually- completely right. Sherlock Emrys was indeed the pen name of the Headmistress, and she had been chosen especially because of her writing talent. It was the lack of it that had got her chosen, but she didn't realize that yet. Jeanne shrugged and began to fill out the application form. It couldn't do any harm.

_Name/Nickname: Jeanne Paige._

_Gender: female_

_Species: _Huh? Well, Jeanne was actually human, but that was boring wasn't it? Who asks that anyway? She put down _half fairy half pixie half human_ instead. Just like Ivy, her character.

_Age: _15

_BRIEF physical description:_ Jeanne looked in the mirror, wrinkled her nose, and began to describe herself. Well. She exaggerated slightly, but only a little bit. _Tall, with pale whyte skin liek snwo, an jet balck hair leik ravens wings, and bright blue eyes like sapires and relly pretty an beautiful an perfect curbs an _Jeanne's cursor stopped. Jeanne frowned and tried to type again. Her computer chimed and a little box appeared.

_We said BREIF._

Jeanne scowled at her computer. How could you describe somebody in less than a paragraph? She moved on to the next question.

_Powers, if any:_ _Magyk! An I can fly and read minds!_

_Favourite Character from Artemis Fowl: Arty! Hes, liek, so coll!_

_Least Favourite character: Hooly. Shes such a troll an shes so mean to arty!_

_What stories have you written for Artemis Fowl? The holly an Yhe IvY_

_Do you know what a Mary Sue is? Uhh isn't it like a perfect person an stuff?_

_How many of the Artemis Fowl books have you read? I read, like, Atlantis Compelx but it was boring so I only got halfway through_

_Thank you for completing this form. I hope you will survive your time at OFUAF, because it's a bloody pain to fill out the paperwork when one of the students dies._

_-Miss Emrys_

Jeanne frowned. She didn't exactly understand the last paragraph but she typed the answer to the last question anyway and watched the form disappear from her screen- how had it done that? She hadn't touched anything!

Jeanne shrugged and went to bed, soon forgetting about the weird message.

* * *

><p>Miss Emrys strode through the halls away from her office. She had successfully finished her work for the day and all that was left was to process the student application forms. That was one of the worst parts of this job- trying to comprehend the misspelled, poorly written forms was truly depressing.<p>

'Torchie, are you done?' Her co-head, Miss Maleficant, fell into step beside her with a questioning face.

'Nearly. Just the applications to process now, and you know what fun _that_ is.'

'Absolutely. Have any of them tried to make themselves hybrids this time?'

'I saw a few. I think some of them are actually one and a half people. We'll have to add Basic Maths to the curriculum.'

'I'll add it onto the schedule- we can incorporate it with Technology And Science 101.'

'Thank you.'

The two Heads reached the door leading to the Staff Section. Miss Emrys leaned forwards and peered into a retina scanner, which analysed her eye and bleeped green. She carefully entered a sequence of numbers into a keypad, then spoke into a mike, '_Iniquity._' She made sure to enunciate all the syllables this time. The computer whirred a moment, then a larger light flashed red and the door swung open.

'The security here is certainly excellent,' Miss Maleficant commented.

'Yes, well, I felt that Foaly's paranoia might as well be put to good use,' Miss Emrys said with satisfaction. 'And we'll have the trollz on guard too, so they should find it awfully difficult to sneak in.'

'Just as well, really- not that it'll stop them.'

'Oh, it never does. That's why we have the medic warlocks on hand.' They savoured the thought of all those badfic writers finally receiving punishment for their crimes against the English language with glee.

'Okay, then. Student applications,' Miss Maleficant said with a sigh.

'Look on the bright side. We can creatively misinterpret the misspellings.'

'That's always fun,' Miss Maleficant agreed with an evil grin.

* * *

><p>Jeanne snuggled deeper into her blankets as a shaft of light fell across her bed, attempting to awaken her. She frowned, opened her eyes and blinked. Her room didn't let light across her bed. Actually, this wasn't her room. Where was she?<p>

The room she found herself in was rather small. It contained two sets of bunkbeds, one of which Jeanne was sprawled across, and four desks against the third wall. The door, set into the opposite wall, looked locked. It had bars across it. Jeanne groaned and sat up, whacking her head against the bottom of the bunk above.

The other set of bunkbeds was empty. Jeanne crawled out of bed and looked at the one above, which was also empty. Jeanne was the only person in the room.

'What the hell is going on?' Jeanne said slowly.

On the wall by the door, a square of white light flickered and appeared. Jeanne frowned at it. There didn't appear to be a projector on the ceiling.

_Welcome to OFUAF_, said the screen.

'Whaaaaa?' was Jeanne's response. She tried to think back to the night before. Hadn't there been something about a university? A form she'd filled in? But why was she here?

_You're here because you signed that form,_ the screen said. The words were scrolling across it in plain black letters.

Jeanne backed away. 'Can you… _hear_ me?'

_Well of course I can hear you._

What? What? What? Jeanne's brain broke down as this new strain was placed on it. She stared gormlessly at the screen as it began to write a new sentence.

_No, we can't hear you. We just know how your minds work, _the screen read. It seemed to be somehow giving off an aura of smugness.

_You are currently in your dorm with your new dormmates. If you're on your own, either the other students haven't arrived yet or you're really unpopular. I wouldn't try leaving if I were you; either you'll get lost or the trollz will get you._

'They can't leave, idiot, the door's locked,' Miss Emrys hissed at Miss Maleficant, who scowled and resumed typing.

_You can't leave anyway; we've locked your doors. It's for your own safety._

The words hung menacingly on the screen. Jeanne sat down on her bunk, scared slightly. She still had no idea what was going on or where she was but she figured the whatever _trollz_ were she didn't want to meet them.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So, if you want to fill out that form there, your character will definite<strong>**ly appear in this story at some point. However, he or she will be made into a bad author- so don't think of it as in anyway a reflection of you. **

**Oh yes, and I own Miss Emrys- who, as you can tell, is at least based on me- and also Miss Maleficant, who I just made up.**

**And if you are a writer named Jeanne who wrote something called The Holly and the Ivy (with variable misspellings) I didn't know you existed and I'm sorry.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:Thank you to all who have reviewed! Those who have entered your student forms, almost all of you are in this chapter. Order of appearance is TOTALLY random; it's all about which email alert hit my inbox first. The characters aren't meant to be a comment on you in _any_ way, please don't take it seriously. If I've made fun of something you stuck on your application, again- please don't take offence. Also, when you fill out that form- don't worry about being exactly truthful. In fact, make up as much as you like. Create some ridiculous suethor with as many creative mispellings as possible if you want. Go ahead, have some fun.**

**Oh, and the anonymous reviewer who didn't seem to like this much? If you've got an issue, then say it. Preferably without swearwords. Or I'll take it as a flame and ignore it. Thanks!**

**-Miss Emrys**

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 2<span>

Jeanne sat there, on her own, for half an hour. She had tried the door; it was firmly locked and bolted and when she tried to kick it all that happened was that she hurt her foot and a message appeared on the screen to tell her not to kick University property.

She was tired. She was bored. She was hungry. And she was pretty damn scared as well because she'd woken up and found herself in some weird place which definitely wasn't her room. There was only one of these things she could do anything about, so she decided to do it and curled up on the bunk she'd woken up in and went to sleep.

She was woken rudely a few minutes later by somebody landing on the bed above hers with a very loud thump.

Jeanne sat upright and smacked her head on the bunk above again. Her angry reaction melded with the torrent of panicked swearing coming from the bunk above.

A moment later the stream of invective from above ceased and a head swung into Jeanne's view. Blinking back tears, Jeanne couldn't help noticing that it appeared to be the wrong way up and had a brief moment of panic about concussions before realizing that it was the occupant of the other bed, swinging her head down to look.

'Hi,' the upside down voice said. 'Who are you, where are we, what the hell is going on, when do we eat?'

'I'm Jeanne, some kind of university, I don't know and I hope soon,' Jeanne answered after a moment. 'Who are you?'

'I'm 2whitie,' said the other occupant of the room. She blinked. 'Hey, I just pronounced a numeral! How does that work? And that's not my name, my name's 2whitie…' She paused. 'I can't say my real name. I can only say my penname. What on Earth is going on?'

'Did you fill in some kind of form?' Jeanne asked, a few memories rearing their heads.

2whitie blinked. 'Yes… yeah, I did.'

'Did you put down your real name or your penname?'

'Penname. Who gives out their _real_ name online?'

Jeanne shrugged and said nothing. She didn't want to admit that she had, although on the other hand at least she wasn't called xx-artyluvr-xx which was, against all probability, her penname. Goodness knows how that would be pronounced.

'How did you end up here?' Jeanne asked. 2whitie shrugged.

'I don't know. I was there and then I wasn't.'

Jeanne slumped back. 'Great.'

'I'm going to sit up and come down their properly; all the blood is rushing to my head,' 2whitie said, and vanished before landing on the floor with a thump, right way up this time.

'Hey, Jeanne,' 2whitie said slowly, peering at her roommate. 'Did you know you're sorta…'

'What?' Jeanne asked quickly.

'Well, your hair is sort of… feathery. I mean, like… did you put down that you were part bird on your form or something? And it's sort of… like black, but not… and your eyes… are they _meant_ to look like that?'

Jeanne put her hands up to her head and grasped at her not-black hair. Sure enough, it appeared to be composed of feathers. She pulled one out with a gasp of pain and looked at it.

'I think… I think it's balck,' she said slowly.

2whitie frowned. 'Balck?'

'On my application form-' Jeanne started, but she was interrupted by two more thumps as her other room mates arrived, landing on their beds across the room.

The girl in the top bunk didn't seem to notice her change of scene, snuggling deeper into her blankets as she continued to slumber. The girl in the bottom bunk was awake but struggled to get up, because she seemed to be quite literally folded up like a concertina.

2whitie and Jeanne watched with interest as the long girl struggled, then lay still.

'Want a hand?' Jeanne said in a friendly tone.

'Yes please,' the girl muttered. Jeanne crossed the room and helped her up. When she stood up, the girl had to bend almost double to fit under the ceiling.

'What's your name?' 2whitie asked.

'Iris Hollanda,' the girl said in a slightly halting accent.

'Nice to meet you. I'm Jeanne and this is 2whitie,' Jeanne said, indicating her companion, who waved. Iris smiled at them, then looked back down at herself.

'What's happened to me? Why am I like this?' she asked with an edge of panic.

'What did you put in the 'description' section of that form?' 2whitie asked sympathetically.

'I.. I said, I am pretty long and I have blonde hair-' Iris began.

'Well, that explains it,' 2whitie said briskly. 'English isn't your first language, is it?'

'No- no… what should I have said?'

'Tall. I think you meant tall.'

'Oh.'

The girl on the top bunk stirred and rolled over, falling onto the floor. She woke with a start and looked around her with a somewhat confused gaze.

'Before you ask, we don't know what's happening either,' Jeanne said. 'Who're you?'

'I… I'mElizabeth. I… what-'

'I just said, we don't know. Hi, Liz-'

'Don't call me that,'Elizabethinterrupted.

2whitie shrugged. 'OK, sorry,Elizabeth-is that OK?'Elizabeth nodded. 'Anyway, I'm 2whitie and this is Jeanne. The long girl is Iris.'

Elizabethwaved. 'Hi.'

The assembled authors waved back at her.

'OK, so now we're all here-' 2whitie began. She was interrupted by a chime from the screen on the wall.

_Welcome, Students,_ it read. _You're all here, so let's get started. Your doors are now unlocked. Go straight to the meeting hall, which is clearly signposted, and stay there. We mean it. Don't go anywhere else on the way. Just there. Got it? And the trollz will be watching._

'Well, let's go,' Iris said.

Jeanne blinked and looked around. 'How have you already read that? It only just appeared!'

Iris shrugged. 'I'm a fast reader?'

'Did you put that on your form?' Jeanne asked, as a suspicion coagulated inside her mind.

'Yes.'

'This is weird,' 2whitie commented as the four girls made their way to the hall. It was signposted, as promised, although the signs looked a little too much like the ones on hospital wards for Jeanne's comfort.

'Tell me about it,' Iris muttered as she ducked below a doorway.

* * *

><p>Miss Emrys made her way from the staff section down towards the hall. She entered her credentials and made her way backstage, listening to the hum of students assembling in the main hall. She closed her eyes and sighed.<p>

'All right, Sherly?' Miss Maleficant asked, appearing at her side.

A death glare was levelled. An apology was extracted. Miss Emrys did _not_ like being called Sherly.

'I'm fine,' Miss Emrys said as she accepted the apology. 'It's just… I haven't been teaching for a while. It's odd to hear the noise of students again.'

'This place has been empty too long,' Miss Maleficant agreed. 'We've been on our own too long. To hear that again…'

They shared a glance.

'Terrible.'

'Absolutely.'

'We've got to do something about it. Like teaching them to be quiet.'

'I completely agree.'

The co-heads took their places in front of a podium. 'Is everybody ready?' Miss Emrys enquired.

'I believe everything is in place,' replied the owner of the school grounds and buildings and the reason for their existence.

'You sure, _Arty_?' Miss Maleficant said with a malicious glee.

Artemis Fowl the Second sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Professors-'

'Miss, if you don't mind,' interrupted Miss Emrys.

'Miss. I have already confirmed that the entirety of this plan is safe and ready for execution.'

'You sure, Artemis? I don't want another mishap.'

'I assure you, Miss Emrys, that the only reason for any problems is if you or your team mess up. Which you have _assured_ me that they won't.' Artemis levelled his formidable stare at the headmistresses, who stared back coolly.

'Keep it up, Arty,' Miss Maleficant said calmly. 'I've won a staring competition with a Komodo dragon. You think you can do better?'

Artemis gave her a long look and then turned away in disdain. 'Remind me again,Butler, why I embarked on this foolish plan?'

'I think it was because Holly told you to.'

Artemis subjectedButlerto another glare. The manservant remained unruffled, having been the subject of the Fowl Glare many a time in the past.

'When you're finished glaring at everyone, Mud Boy, can we get moving?' Foaly whinnied as he clopped up to the podium.

Miss Maleficant rolled her eyes. 'The gang's all here, eh? Well, except Holly and Mulch…'

'Someone say my name?' Holly asked as she descended from the ceiling, her wings snapping off and folding in as she landed. She was holding a squirming Mulch Diggums by the scruff of his neck. 'I found him trying to lift the credit cards from every member of staff he could find. Old habits die hard, eh?'

'I wasn't trying to steal anything!' Mulch protested. 'I was trying to highlight potential security issues- the students could have easily taken key cards to get into the Staff Section!'

'The staff don't carry cards here, dwarf,' Foaly brayed in derision. 'I have programmed the security systems to accept only valid staff members, using a range of biometric data to create a system that is totally unbeatable.'

'Unless you hack in and register as a staff member,' Holly pointed out. Foaly sneered.

'Nobody has ever managed to hack my systems. They're just too good.'

'Except Opal Koboi,' Mulch pointed out as he freed himself from Holly's grasp. Foaly stamped his hooves in anger.

'Quiet, dwarf. Koboi was lucky. And she won't be again.'

Artemis cleared his throat. 'If I may have your attention. In a moment, Misses Emrys and Maleficant will be introducing the new students to the Academy, and she will be asking us to appear to confirm her story.'

'Artemis, we've been over this. You can stop repeating the plan,' Holly interrupted. Artemis began to glare at her, then thought better of it and coughed, straightening his tie and turning to face the two headmistresses, who had been waiting patiently.

'Are you ready, ladies?'

'We've been ready for ages, Artemis. If you are ready, may I suggest that you get off the stage and be where you're meant to be?'

Artemis looked slightly hurt. 'Very well.' He disappeared, off into the wings of the stage, shadowed by Butler-as far as a seven-foot muscleman can be a shadow. Foaly clopped off to the heap of complex AV equipment to control the slideshow (since it is a proven fact that nobody can _ever_ work those things during an actual presentation, except the person who built the equipment, which of course Foaly had). Holly buzzed up off the ground and her image shivered and disappeared as she shielded. Mulch trundled off after Artemis.

The two headmistresses turned and faced the curtain. 'Ready?' Miss Emrys asked.

Miss Maleficant nodded. 'Ready.'

The curtain rose and a hall full of excited fangirls and boys with a certain degree of confusion turned to face the stage.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:OK, first up; student applications are CLOSED now.**

**I've tried to use everyone, but I've still got a few more people to put in; I'll do it somehow, I promise!**

**And I'd like to thank profusively those of you who have reviewed, so I'd give you a present but you're all online. Thank you, each and every one! All the students will try and appear; I promise on my honour as a Guide.**

**I'd just like to especially thank Holi for giving me such a brilliant application to have fun with, and I hope I got that right!**

**Also, I'm posting this in a little bit of a rush, but I think I've caught all typos and issues. Hope it's OK. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><span>Chapter 3<span>

Jeanne had quickly lost her new friends in the crowds and was searching desperately for relatively familiar faces. She saw none.

She did, however, see some of the oddest looking girls and boys she'd ever thought was possible. Actually, she was fairly sure some of it _wasn't_ possible. She was so busy staring that she walked straight into somebody.

'Ouch!' she yelped. 'Oh, I'm sorry…'

'It's OK,' said the girl- she was pretty sure it was female- standing in front of her. Jeanne looked her up and down in slight disbelief. She had pointed ears, right, so part elf. OK. Conventional- there were a lot of short people with pointed ears hanging around today. However, her skin was blotched yellow and black-y brown, and seemed to be covered in a short layer of fur. Her neck was also a little longer than usual. From the waist down, however, she was coated in shiny silver metal. She appeared to have a control wheel like those on iPods built into her wrist. Her eyes were like balck- and Jeanne was sure it was balck and not black, because it was a very odd mixture of colours- and her hair appeared to be dripping. A powerful scent of salt and iodine surrounded the girl, who pushed her hair out of her eyes and winced as she sliced her finger open. On her _hair_.

'OK,' Jeanne said slowly. 'No offence, but…'

'I know,' the girl interrupted. 'I was a bit… overeager on my application form.'

'Well, you get the prize for originality,' Jeanne said weakly.

'Yippee. I'm part iPod, part giraffe, part elf and have the _amazing_ power to give everyone in the vicinity hay fever, but at least I'm original,' the girl said dryly. 'I'm Holi, by the way.'

'I think there's about twenty _Holly_'s drifting around,' Jeanne pointed out.

Holi shrugged. 'It's my name. I didn't choose it because I'm in love with Artemis Fowl, unlike most of this sorry lot.'

A nearby elf glared at her in passing, then did a double take as she saw Holi's _original_ appearance. Holi glared right back at her until the elf looked away and scurried off into the crowd.

'There sure are a lot of people here,' Jeanne said nervously.

'You're telling me,' a passing girl muttered. Jeanne looked her up and down.

'You look normal,' Jeanne noted. 'How did you do that?'

'Good spelling,' the girl grinned. 'I'm tech17, by the way. I'm part fairy, see?' She turned her head, displaying the slightly pointed ears. Somebody in the crowd behind her shoved, sending her flying forwards into Holi. Holi yelled and jumped back as blue sparks jumped where tech17 had touched her. The sparks darted down her arm to the cut on her finger, knitting together over the tiny cut. The flesh smoothly joined together, leaving no scar and only a drop of blood. Holi stared down at her hand with her mouth hanging open.

'Did you… was that…' Jeanne fumbled for words.

'I think I just healed her…' tech17 said in awe.

'Did you _know_ you could do that?'

Tech17 shook her head slowly.

'OK, then,' Jeanne said slowly. 'Benefits of good spelling, I suppose.'

Tech17 blinked slowly at her hand. 'Wait… if I can heal cuts, how come I have this scar?' She indicated a faint pink puckered line stretching over her cheekbone.

'I don't know,' Holi said. The noise of the crowd drowned her out and Jeanne cupped her hand over her ear as she tried to catch Holi's words. Holi shook her head and turned the control wheel on her wrist slightly and tried speaking again. This time, her voice was loud enough to be heard over the crowd of people.

'I seem to have a volume control,' the giraffe girl said, slightly stupefied.

'That,' Jeanne said, 'is actually quite cool.'

Somebody tapped her on the shoulder. 'Excuse me,' said a green skinned girl behind her. 'I can't find a mirror. Is my face _actually_ green?'

'Er, yes,' Jeanne said. She was passed being surprised now. 'And you, well, have wings. Your hair, er, clashes with your skin a little.'

'Great,' the girl said gloomily. 'I guess they decided I should have sprite's skin as well as wings.'

'Look on the bright side,' Jeanne said reassuringly. 'At least your eyes match, er… what's your name?'

'Sophie Caster,' said the green girl.

'Nice to meet you. I'm Jeanne.' Jeanne made introductions to tech17 and Holi, who waved. Sophie tried not to stare at Holi, who rolled her eyes.

'I'm used to it. Go ahead and gawp, Elphaba.'

Sophie blushed and stuttered out an apology.

A motion passed through the crowd, as everyone simultaneously stopped what they were doing. Jeanne craned her neck to see the stage at the end of the hall. She was really regretting putting down 'pixie' on her form, and from what she could see a lot of people who'd chosen to be one of the People doing the same. The taller amongst the students- those who had chosen to be human, those who had made ridiculous misspellings like Iris' long mix-up, and the two or three hulking mounds of hair and tusks who appeared to have asked to be trolls, began to move to the back. Some of them offered piggy-backs to the smaller students.

'What's going on?' Jeanne asked tech17, who shrugged. 'Holi?'

'The curtains are opening,' the giraffe girl muttered. 'Looks like this neck has some advantages.'

As the curtains slid apart, silence spread across the hall, and movement ceased, like oil poured over agitated waters.

Miss Maleficant gazed out over the ranks of students in the hall. A smile crept over her face as she saw some of the amazing incarnations of misspellings and over-powered avatars that they had created.

'I'm quite pleased with this batch,' Miss Emrys remarked.

'I think we did well on the misinterpretations,' Miss Maleficant said proudly. 'Look at the iPod girl!'

* * *

><p>Holi scowled down in the audience. 'I swear that one in the black is looking at me. And sniggering. If she's the one who did this…'<p>

'Shh!' Jeanne scolded. 'If they did this to us, they can probably do much worse…'

Sophie shuddered. 'I'd turn down your volume control if I were you.'

* * *

><p>Miss Emrys stepped forwards. 'Students. I am Miss Sherlock Emrys. You may call me, should you wish, Miss Emrys. You may not, under any circumstances, call me Sherly. If you do, then you can expect to call me 'arrgh', clutch your throat, die screaming and so on.'<p>

Artemis winced as he stood in the wings. 'I do believe that Miss Emrys is quoting Opal. Please remind me later to ask the LEP to reinforce the security around the mansion- if she were to appear in the university, it would no doubt cause havoc.' After a moment, the Irish boy winced and added, 'I believe.'

'Artemis, are you _sure_ that you're OK?' Holly asked in concern as she buzzed down beside the Fowl heir and his bodyguard. Artemis massaged his temples, his blue eyes narrowed in concentration.

'I am perfectly alright, Holly.' Five words. 'I assure you that I am almost completely cured.' There. Nine words. Five and four.

Holly sighed and shielded again. 'If you say so.'

On stage, Miss Emrys was filling in the students on their situation. 'You are enrolled in this academy for a year. If you make it to graduation, you will be allowed to write as much Artemis Fowl fanfiction as you please, in the knowledge that you will do it right. If you fail to graduate…' Miss Emrys gave a vampire smile to rival Artemis'. 'Well, let's all hope you make it, shall we?'

Miss Maleficant stepped forwards. 'I am Miss Maleficant. I am the co-head and have equal authority. I assure you that Miss Emrys is _not_ joking about the fate that will await you should you call her Sherly. I would like to inform you that the same fate will befall any student calling me anything other than Miss Maleficant.' Her black eyes swept the hall. 'I am the Staff Coordinator and thus it falls to me to perform the most _dangerous_ task this assembly- introducing you to key staff members.'

Miss Emrys stepped surreptitiously off the stage and into the wings. The attention of the students was fixed on Miss Maleficant as Miss Emrys grabbed a pair of ear protectors and gave a signal to the gnome in charge of the trollz.

'First, however,' Miss Maleficant announced, 'I must introduce you to our security. Please come forwards, trollz.'

Onto the stage sidled an amazingly bizarre selection of creatures, of various sizes, species, shapes and misshapes.

'The trollz- spelt with a z- are our principle means of law enforcement here at OFUAF. They are born of _your_ misspellings and pathetic mix-ups, students, so consider it just retribution.' Miss Maleficant gave a rare smile. 'Please, come forwards, Atrems.'

A stunted, lopsided Frankenstein's Monster of a creature lurched forwards. It was probably male, Jeanne decided, and it had hair like hers- raven feathers sticking out lopsidedly everywhere. Its eyes were opaque, hard gemstones catching the light. It was more pathetic than scary.

'And Hooly, if you could join him?' Miss Maleficant continued.

A female thing stepped out of the line up. She was so short as to be ridiculous, only coming up to Miss Maleficant's knees, and had the proportions of a child, but warped and twisted. Her hair hung lankly around her face and Jeanne saw it was made of damp red leaves, like those from autumn trees.

'Please, students.' Miss Maleficant fixed them all with a piercing glare. 'The trollz serve a double purpose. One of them is to remind you that misspellings have _consequences_ and that spellcheck is there for a reason. I think that Faoli, Rout, Muslh and Olpa serve to illustrate that perfectly.' The sad creatures stared out silently at the audience. Jeanne thought guiltily of the number of times that she had forgotten about spellcheck, and realized that she was probably guilty of a good few of the trollz standing there herself.

'Now, I realize that the result of my next announcement is utterly predictable,' Miss Maleficant continued. 'Invariably, the second function of the trollz will be demonstrated as soon as I begin the next series of introductions, so I won't bother telling you. You'll find out soon enough.' Miss Maleficant cleared her throat. 'I would like to introduce you to some of our most important teachers. First, Commander Julius Root.'

Nothing happened. The audience shuffled their feet and muttered to each other, and Miss Maleficant looked smug. 'And there is one of your first lessons; the purpose of a fairy's shield.'

She nodded at a patch of empty air, which shivered and became a black-clad figure disguised by a blacked-out helmet. The helmet visor collapsed into segments and whirred away from the head, leaving exposed a truly incandescent face. Commander Julius Root fished a fungus cigar from his pocket and began to chew the end of it.

'The Commander, who has been… retrieved… especially for the university, is here for the purpose of teaching you all about the LEP. Be grateful.'

The students looked more or less neutral, although at the sight of an actual character from the books had raised some very excited whispers.

'And next up, we have the famous Recon Captain Holly Short. The first female in recon; a trailblazer, and an excellent police officer. Not, in fact, a Mary Sue, despite what some of you seem to think.'

Miss Maleficant glared at the students, who had reached a new pitch of whispering, muttering, and excitement. 'Come on out, Holly.'

Holly unshielded with some trepidation, hovering several feet above the stage. She released her helmet with a pop, studying the crowd of mud whelps in front of her. Remembering a few of the things she'd seen them create, her hand twitched towards her Neutrino.

'Holly, no force allowed,' Foaly's warning voice cautioned. 'The last thing you need is another investigation for shooting humans.'

'They deserve it,' Holly muttered.

Foaly whinnied. She could hear him eating a carrot as he responded. 'Much as I agree… especially after some of the insinuations they've been making about me… the head teachers at this Academy are frankly scary.'

Holly glanced down at Miss Maleficant. 'I agree. Guess it's no weapons allowed, then.'

The students were going mad. Some of them, especially the males, were staring at the Captain with admiration and almost idolizing glee.

'I don't see what the big deal is,' Jeanne muttered. 'Holly's not _that_ good of a character. I've written better characters than her.'

A good proportion of the students were glaring at her. Another proportion were nodding in agreement. A few fights had broken out.

'Ahem,' Miss Maleficant said. Silence settled once more. She was, Jeanne reflected, one of those teachers who could create instant silence with no effort whatsoever. Jeanne thought she'd seen that written down somewhere, though she wasn't sure where.

'And Miss Short will be teaching those classes pertaining to relationships and warfare. An odd combination of subjects, I know, but you'll see why in due time.'

Miss Maleficant surveyed her audience, preparing for the final announcement. Even she was a little reluctant to give this introduction, knowing the reaction that she would get.

'And finally, I would like to introduce the owner of this academy and the main financial backer. I would ask you to keep quiet, but I know I'll be ignored. Students, please meet Artemis Fowl the Second.'

Miss Maleficant's speech was drowned in screams and squees. Artemis took a deep breath and strode out onto the stage, Butler at his side like a very protective mother hen.

The students went wild when they saw the Irish teen. They all launched themselves at the stage at once, trying to glomp him. The trollz swung into action and began merrily knocking out the students. They were almost overwhelmed by sheer numbers, and Butler had to help out by swatting away a few of the more persistent ones. Some appeared to be calling his name, a fact that the bodyguard chose not to dwell on.

Jeanne was one of those unlucky enough to be hit by Butler's enormous hands, and she found herself flying the length of the hall. She blacked out as she hit the wall, and the mess of students receded of into a dim blur.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Sorry this has been a while. I wrote half of it last week, then went out and forgot about it. I've finished it today and I will try and get the next chapter up before next week.**

**Just a quick note: I've been struggling to get everybody in there without it sounding silly, so if you're not here- and most of you should be- don't take it personally and you WILL make an appearance, however brief, in the next chapter. **

**Also, I'm really bad at replying to reviews- sorry! But thank you to EVERYONE and I'll try and remember to go and reply to them all. **

Chapter 4

Jeanne was knocked unconscious by the force of the blow that had sent her across the hall, and thus she missed the rest of the assembly, as did the other Artemis-lovers, who had all been incapacitated in some fashion.

The trollz, having neutralized the threat to their charges, had begun to cart away unconscious students to the medical wing. Miss Emrys had arranged for the medic warlocks to be on full alert, having expected that this would happen.

Miss Maleficant leaned on the edge of her lectern and watched with interest as Jeanne was hauled away by Chicks and Hooli. The last of the students were removed from the stage and the hall was revealed to be somewhat emptier and a great deal quieter.

'And from that,' Miss Maleficant continued smoothly, 'I think we have demonstrated _admirably_ the sanctions set in place for those contravening our behavioural policy. A copy of this policy is on display in your rooms.'

Miss Emrys returned to the stage, having seen that the onslaught of fangirls was past.

'Well, children,' the co-head said with a malicious smile. 'Aren't we having fun?'

The few remaining students glared sullenly at the stage.

'The remaining staff will be introduced now, and then again at the welcome feast later, as I realize some of our number are currently absent,' Miss Emrys said. 'So, please welcome our other keynote staff member; the only centaur in our faculty, the teacher of every single class related in any way shape or form to science or technology: Foaly.'

The centaur clopped out on stage to join the other staff members. Artemis, somewhat shellshocked by his recent narrow escape from being fangirled, had disappeared offstage- followed, once again, by Butler, who was taking no chances with those students. Holly had buzzed down a few feet, having retreated above the maelstrom, and was now hovering just above the stage. Commander Root was still chewing angrily upon a mutilated cigar.

A complete lack of enraged fangirls mobbed Foaly. The centaur sniffed and looked around in disdain.

'I fail to see,' he muttered, 'just why that Mud Boy had so many fangirls. Surely with my superior intelligence they should be fawning over me?'

Holly grinned. 'In your dreams, Foaly. You want fangirls, you're gonna have to deflate your ego a little.'

'It isn't ego if it's justified,' Foaly said indignantly. 'I'll have you know that I'm more intelligent than that Mud Whelp in any way you care to imagine.'

'Do us all a favour and shut up,' Root muttered around the cigar. 'I don't like the look of this crowd.'

The crowd of students was watching with unabashed curiosity as the staff members bickered.

'Are they seriously gonna be teaching us?' a girl with slightly squished looking eyes hissed doubtfully to Elizabeth, who had watched in some concern as her roommate was sent flying across the hall. 'I mean, if so, I'm not sure we're going to learn much. And aren't they all supposed to be working? And isn't he _dead_?'

'I have no idea, but if they're teaching me, I'm happy,' Elizabeth said, craning her neck. 'I wonder if Chix will be teaching?'

'_Chix_?' exclaimed several voices at once. Elizabeth looked abashed.

'I like Chix,OK? Who would you rather have as a teacher?'

'No.1,' said the girl with the short brown eyes. Her hair was an odd mixture of black and brown, as though she had mismatched hair extensions. 'He's the best, and I could learn all about magic from him!'

'Well… yes,' said a boy doubtfully. He was one of the few males in the room that Elizabeth could see. 'But he's a _demon_. They're ugly as hell.'

'So?' snapped the girl. 'I bet you're one of the crazies who are totally in love with Holly Short.'

The boy shook his black hair out of his eyes. 'I'd rather have Opal as a teacher any day.'

Several people looked at him as though he was crazy. He shrugged. 'What can I say? She might be evil, but she's awesome.'

'Who _are_ you?' Elizabeth asked in fascination.

'I'm Unknownymous, and I don't know how I'm managing to pronounce it either, before you ask.' The boy shrugged.

'I'm Kara,' said the girl with the mixed up hair.

'Well I'm Ivy Willows, and I think that we should have Artemis and Holly teaching all our classes,' said a girl with hair which seemed frozen solid in a straight, immovable cloud; every hair was sticking straight outwards in a sort of non-curly afro. Her eyes were an indescribably weird mix of colours and shapes, with a texture like chocolate woven from hair. Elizabeth deduced a lack of commas on the application form and a particularly obstreperous staff member. She had the usual pointed ears and short stature of the elves that were so common around here. 'Just as long as that cow Minerva isn't involved…'

A storm of arguments regarding Minerva arose. Elizabeth, with no particular allegiance, ducked out of it and hastily put some distance between her and the evolving scrum, which was getting ironic looks from the Headmistresses. She did _not_ want to be on the receiving end of an eyebrow-raising.

The trollz were sent in to break up the argument. Miss Emrys and Miss Maleficant consulted together for a moment, then Miss Emrys stepped up to the podium.

'Alright, listen up students! I can see you aren't going to concentrate right now-' levelling a vicious glare at the brawl being dealt with by the trollz- 'so we will end this assembly here, with a few brief notices.'

'Firstly,' Miss Maleficant snapped, 'the staff section is always, irrevocably, absolutely, totally out of bounds. Staff members are even _more_ out of bounds. The third floor corridor-' a glare levelled at an innocent looking Miss Emrys- 'is, I have been instructed to say, out of bounds to all those who do not wish to suffer a painful death.'

Miss Emrys resumed speaking. 'Secondly, the library is open to you during the day, and I'd advise all of those who weren't just making that expression that means _oh-i-get-it_ to USE it, because if you haven't read Harry Potter then you should.'

'And of course, you _should_ be using it to study,' Miss Maleficant added. With a glare at her co-head. 'All other areas of school are open, but you may not use the classrooms or facilities without a teacher present. And we warn you, the Library is under the care of the Librarians and you would do well not to irritate them.'

'That's about it. Dismissed!'

Miss Emrys waved at the students and strode offstage, followed by Miss Maleficant. Holly buzzed up above the stage and shielded, preparing to make the hazardous trip through the corridors to the sanctuary of the staffroom. Root threw the remains of his cigar to the floor and did the same. Foaly, who had no ability to shield and was thus exposed, whinnied nervously before clopping down the corridors as fast as his hooves could carry him.

The students milled nervously around in the hall, reluctant to incur the wrath of the trollz, who were lingering in order to quell any disobedience.

'So now what do we do?' Elizabeth said, mostly to herself.

'I don't know, but I hope they aren't going to just set those things on us for no reason,' said a voice behind her. Elizabeth turned to see Iris, who was eyeing the trollz with marked apprehension.

'Iris! It's good to see someone I recognize again,' Elizabeth said warmly.

'I know. This place is beyond weird. Have you seen the girl with the volume control?'

'You mean the giraffe girl? Yes!'

'Such incredible tact and sensitivity,' said a heavily ironic voice. With mortification, the two roommates realized that it came from Holi.

'S-sorry,' stuttered out Iris, turning a deep pink.

Holi waved a hand. 'I'm used to it. Listen, I'm going to explore the library. You two want to come?'

'Yes!' Elizabeth said thankfully.

'Can I come too?' asked Sophie from behind Holi. Next to the giraffe- iPod- elf hybrid, her green skin looked almost normal and actually almost cool.

'Sure you can, Elphaba,' Holi said laconically.

'I told you, my name is Sophie!' the sprite said indignantly.

'Green skin. Elphaba,' Elizabeth pointed out. Sophie sighed.

'It's not my fault. I don't even really like Wicked.'

The other three drew back in shock. 'I can see we need to educate you fast,' Iris muttered.

'Absolutely,' Elizabeth agreed.

'Ask that girl over there, she seems to know all about it,' Holi suggested with a grin, indicating the only student with an appearance weirder than her own.

'Somebody say Wicked?' asked the girl, seeing them looking at her. 'Hi. My name is unpronounceable and a pain to type so you can call me Freddie.'

'Er… you are female, aren't you?' Elizabeth asked nervously.

'Apparently so. I'm supposed to be, anyway,' Freddie sighed.

'Why do you have scales?' asked Iris, as she bent down to look at the weird, misshaped student.

'That would be my dragon side. I did say _in human form_ but…' Freddie shrugged and sneezed. A small gust of flame shot out of her nose.

'And the… wings?'

'Penguin.'

'This being also the reason for the evening dress.'

'Weird, isn't it? Looks more like Erik than a penguin, if you ask me. If Erik breathed fire, had scales, was a magical dragon's humanoid side, and hailed from the planet Gallifrey.'

'How much did you put in that form?' breathed Elizabeth in awe.

Freddie shrugged. 'I'm also descended from Sherlock Holmes.'

'That would be the reason for the deerstalker.'

'Yes.'

'So, Wicked?'

The girls moved off to the library, chattering excitedly and glad to have found a point of common interest.

* * *

><p>Miss Emrys sat down on a comfy sofa in the Staff common room. 'Well, that went well.'<p>

'About as well as could be expected,' agreed Miss Maleficant, who was stoking the fire.

'I never got to use my PowerPoint,' objected Foaly. 'Well, I say PowerPoint. It's a lot more sophisticated than that, since my new operating system uses multimedia elements to create-'

The others tuned him out.

'Are you alright, Artemis?' Butler asked with concern. His charge was seated in an armchair near the fire, with a look on his face that could only be described as shell-shocked.

'I am perfectly fine, Butler, really. Those students are rather…' For once in his life, the Irish boy was lost for words.

'Exuberant?' suggested Holly.

'That would, perhaps, be the most politely diplomatic description possible,' Artemis agreed.

'They've got about as much constraint as trolls in the mating season,' Mulch contributed.

'Thanks for that image, Mulch,' Holly said sarcastically.

The dwarf burped. 'Anytime.' He wandered off somewhere, presumably looking for food.

'I sometimes debate the wisdom of choosing to establish this university on the grounds of Fowl Manor, given that reaction,' Artemis said.

'Artemis, stop counting your words,' Holly rebuked him.

'In order to ascertain the number of words that I use in my sentences, you must be counting too, Captain,' Artemis observed.

'Twenty, again,' Butler noted. 'Maybe this was too soon, Artemis. You aren't yet recovered from the complex.'

'I assure you that I will be fine,' Artemis snapped. He resisted the temptation to add further words to his sentence.

Holly shrugged hopelessly. 'If you say so, Fowl.'

* * *

><p>Over by the fire, the two headmistresses were debating.<p>

'The first day of classes starts tomorrow. Everything's finalized. You can't change things _now_.'

Miss Emrys sighed. 'I'm just saying, I think it might be too early to let the canons teach. Usually we'd start with simple stuff they can't go mad over.'

'Well, we do have the trollz to keep order,' Miss Maleficant pointed out.

'I suppose so. What's tomorrow's schedule again?'

'Just the basic introductory things. Nothing fandom-specific yet. Basic Maths, Science, Biology/Genetics, and the Adjectives and Adverbs class.'

'Right. Do I have to do any work for that?'

'You're teaching half of them.'

Miss Emrys groaned and let her head thunk down onto the mantle piece.

The staff common room was luxurious. It had been modelled, at Miss Emrys' insistence, on the Gryffindor Common Room, and was therefore fitted out in red and gold. It was large and had an assortment of armchairs, sofas, desks and other pieces of furniture. It also had a roaring fire, which Miss Maleficant was currently feeding.

And yes, we do mean feeding. It was one of the more… bizarre trollz, created through a capitalization error. Holly Fire was resident in the common room grate because she couldn't move without starting a conflagration.

'You OK down there?' Miss Maleficant asked, glancing at Fire.

'I'm fine,' the fire hissed. 'Perfectly comfortable, thank you.' Its voice was crackling, like logs popping and sliding.

* * *

><p><strong>That's a slightly bizzare place to end, I know, but I did want to update and I thought I should start classes next chapter. <strong>

**I've proofread this in the 'EDIT' window, but it does tend to eat my spaces and punctuation when I paste it in, so if there's still some missing I'm sorry. I don't know _why _it keeps doing that, but 'Butler' and 'Elizabeth' seem to be most prone to it. **

**Again, sorry for the late update. There's a review button down there calling your name...**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:OKAY, so apologies first.**

**Last week I went to see Wicked, which was, well, Wicked. And then I was quite busy, and all the time I had actually went into compiling a database of you guys- TWICE. Word for collations of applications etcetera, and then Access for mucking around with the data. I just needed to get it all straight in my mind.**

**So yes, this is late, and I'm not sure it was worth the wait. Um, basically, I'm forming little groups of students to provide subplots, and the people who I haven't dealt with will be shoehorned into them. Sorry.**

Chapter 5

Jeanne had been released from the hospital wing that afternoon and had spent her time strolling around the University building with 2whitie and tech17, who had come to check on her. By six o'clock, Jeanne was totally in awe and more than a little scared. The buildings were huge, the classrooms weird. Some- as far as they could tell through the glass of the locked doors- were regular classrooms or lecture theatres. Others, however… Well, Jeanne swore she saw a firing range in one, and another that looked like a dojo, whilst one amazing room appeared to be the laboratory of some kind of mad scientist.

'This place,' said Jeanne with feeling, 'is beyond weird.'

'It's incredible,' 2whitie replied. 'And the staff are insane.'

'_Beyond_ insane,' corrected tech17. 'Miss Maleficant is so incredibly sadistic…'

'Shh!' the other two hissed.

'I wouldn't put it past them to have this whole place bugged,' 2whitie murmured fearfully.

'Yes, but still,' said tech17, although she subsided soon afterwards.

It was at 6:30precisely that the screens, which were distributed everywhere in the school, began to flash up a new message.

_Welcome feast in the Dining Hall, now. Everyone is attending. This is not optional._

It was accompanied by a map of the university, with a red line indicating the best route from that screen to the Hall.

'Well, that's new,' Jeanne said, regarding it with distrust.

'Benefits of having Foaly as a technical advisor?' mused 2whitie.

'Probably.' Tech 17 rubbed her scar and shrugged. The three girls began to follow the signs.

The Hall was crowded and loud. (Mostly) teenage girls, clumping into groups and forming friendships, chattered like jays and screeched like jackdaws.

The bird metaphor was very apt, considered Miss Emrys, who had made it, as she surveyed her students from the raised dais (fenced off by a good old fashioned electric barbed wire) where the Staff sat.

Foaly had offered to give them all his newly developed Personal Protection Fields, but Holly had warned Miss Emrys quietly that the sprite who had been the last test subject still wasn't out of hospital and that the effects weren't pretty, so Miss Emrys had politely declined.

Miss Emrys rose from her place. The students, who were sitting at or on long tables running perpendicular to the staff dais, quietened slightly. A few, who learnt fast, were sitting looking at the Head with polite attention (and with appropriately respectful terror). The rest, who hadn't learned so quickly, some of whom still bore the marks of their previous transgressions, continued to talk and wander about.

Miss Emrys cleared her throat. The trolls, lining the walls of the dining hall behind the Staff, shifted and stirred. That got everyone's attention, fast. Nobody wanted to be put in the Infirmary again.

'Students,' Miss Emrys said loudly. 'This is the first meal you'll eat here, so enjoy it, because tomorrow class begins. You were introduced to some of our teachers earlier,' she said as she indicated the canons sitting nervously behind her, 'and if you weren't listening, weren't looking, or weren't conscious it's your own damn fault.'

A slight stirring in her audience accompanied this. Miss Maleficant stood up beside Miss Emrys.

'Children,' she said in a commanding tone, 'And yes, you are children, as you appear to have the same grasp of English as a 5 year old. You will receive your schedule tomorrow morning and a route map will be available on the interactive touch screens installed in all of your rooms. The ground rules and penalties are also available to you- so don't say we didn't warn you.'

'As it is the beginning of term, there are no notices to hand out,' Miss Emrys continued. 'Therefore, you may begin eating. The food has been prepared freshly in our kitchens by a talented staff of fairy cooks.' She sat down and the students began to murmur as two wide hatches in the rear of the hall slid open and a variety of aromas drifted out.

'Form an orderly queue, students,' Miss Maleficant called out with a wicked glint in her eyes as she sat down next to her colleague.

'Do you think they'll be cross when they discover what it is?' Miss Emrys mused.

'They'll probably just take it as 'normal fairy food' and not bother complaining. It's not like they pay attention,' Miss Maleficant said thoughtfully. 'Half of them have the fairies living off McDonalds and KFC, and the other half have them eating rabbit food. It was really a wonderful idea, though, to invite the dwarf chefs.'

'Uncooked worms, beetles, dead rabbit with the skin still on…' Miss Emrys smiled as she watched the student's reactions. 'Maybe that'll teach them to pay more attention to detail.'

The teachers looked up as a sprite hovered down, bearing their plates.

'Thank you,' Miss Emrys said politely as she took her dish of Sunday Roast (vegetarian).

'Thanks,' Miss Maleficant added as she retrieved her meal of penne pasta in creamy sauce, with red peppers and various herbs, some slow roasted vegetables, and a side of thick garlic bread.

'Yes, I think the students will learn very quickly what fairies really eat,' Miss Emrys said happily. 'Is everybody's food all right, by the way?' she asked as she looked along the table.

'Perfectly, thank you.' Holly raised a glass of nettle smoothie to the Heads as she collected her vegetable fries and mushroom burger.

Mulch burped. 'Not bad.' His plate appeared to contain more food than the entire student body's put together, and parts of it were still alive. It's always best not to look too closely at a dwarf's meal. You might see something you recognize.

The students, in the way of such things, had already gathered into groups or cliques. These, on the whole, were based on character likes, dislikes and hatred. For instance, the first long table had been entirely taken over by the Minerva- haters.

'So, are we all agreed?' the leader, who had skin so pale as to be almost white. 'We all, on this table, make our pact. Minerva Paradiso is not worthy of inclusion in the brilliant series that is Artemis Fowl!'

A large amount of the people actually cheered. The rest nodded.

'And so,' continued the girl, whose skin contrasted painfully with the black of her hood- well, it was more of a cowl, really. She had blue eyes which were slightly reddened with a trace of recent tears. 'I call this meeting of the-' She paused. Their group had no name as yet. Gears turned quickly in the remarkably lopsided intellect that occupied her brain, and she continued smoothly, 'People-Who-Hate-Minerva-Paradiso Club to order!'

There were a few cheers which were quickly broken off as the name sunk in.

'Excuse _me_,' said a girl sitting near the self-proclaimed leader. Her face was hidden by her hair, which was the colour of Midnight. That is to say, black, grey, neon orange of streetlights, flecked with bright red and white headlamp colour, with strands of pure white moonlight, and a variety of shades from blue to black. It wasn't pretty. 'And who are you, then?' demanded the leader. The rest of the club looked on in anticipation of an interesting piece of street-theatre.

The challenger drew herself up to her full height. 'I,' she proclaimed, 'am- Parsnip Arrow!' She threw back her hair and displayed her face proudly. The crowd obediently gasped dramatically and three of the more musical students sang out an impromptu chord progression in three-part harmony.

The effect was spoilt by the giggles. Before long, the entire People-Who-Hate-Minerva-Paradiso Club were laughing hysterically.

'What?' demanded Parsnip Arrow indignantly.

'It's your face,' said the leader with patronising "sympathy". 'It's a sort of dirty white cream. And it's made of fabric, like a rag-doll.'

'What?' Parsnip Arrows exclaimed in shock, putting her hands to her cheeks. She jerked her hand away with an 'OW!' as it caught on a thorn.

'Oh, yes. And there's the roses. Very… _natural_. And of course, there's your eyes-'

'What about my eyes?' the girl said indignantly.

'They're the colour of rotten leaf debris,' said the leader gleefully.

Parsnip Arrows burst into tears- quite a sight with eyes like that- and sat down.

'As I was saying,' continued the pale girl as the People-Who-Hate-Minerva-Paradiso Club stopped laughing gradually. 'I am minervaartemis and I am your new leader!' Her blue eyes glared from the shadows of her hood at the table.

'Excuse me,' said a girl timorously, raising her hand.

'Yes…. child?' said minveraartemis with a hint of impatience.

'Er… I'm Artemis Arilin Fowl. But you can call me Tara,' said the girl nervously. 'And, um… well, if we're the People-Who-Hate-Minerva-Paradiso Club… why are you called…'

She shrank back as minervaartemis glared viciously at her.

'Because,' said the leader with a cold tone, 'I am. That is it. No logic is allowed here. _Understood_?'

The table nodded in unanimous fear.

The students grabbed onto plates and cups (those who had been brave enough to try dwarf cuisine, at any rate). The table stopped nodding and settled down. Everybody decided to just suppress that memory and pretend it hadn't happened.

'So,' continued minervaartemis. 'Let's kick this off with introductions. Hi, everyone. I'm minervaartemis and I hate Minerva because she's meant to be with Artemis...' The entire People-Who-Hate-Minerva-Paradiso Club gasped as one. minervaartemis tried hastily to cover up her mistake. 'Uh, um, and she's totally _not_ because she's so stupid, so she obviously isn't meant to be with him after all… er…'

The group settled down, pacified.

'You next,' minervaartemis said quickly, pointing at the person next to her, Parsnip Arrow.

Parsnip Arrow jumped to her feet, as minervaartemis sat down.

'Hi everyone! I'm Parsnip Arrow, and I'm happy to meet you all! I hate Minerva because she's not as clever as Arty is.'

'Neither is anyone else,' muttered minervaartemis under her breath. She caught herself as she said it and sighed in relief when she saw nobody else had heard.

_'This is a dangerous game you're playing,' _a voice whispered in her ear. She stiffened and sat completely still on her bench as the introductions continued on around the table. "Tara" had taken the floor and was talking at some length about her heritage as the daughter of Holly and Artemis.

'Who are you?' she breathed.

'_I… am a friend,' _the voice continued.

'Who to?' asked minervaartemis. She'd heard that line before.

'_To you, you idiot, or I would have ratted you out already. Now. We'll talk later about this. Meet me in the library tonight, at nine. Come alone. And stay absolutely still for ten seconds after I finish. Goodbye.'_ There was a rush of air by her ear, as of someone departing, and minervaartemis obediently counted to ten in her head before turning around and scanning the hall as fast as she could.

She couldn't tell who'd been speaking to her.

* * *

><p><strong>Gah. Is this a plot I see before me? Come, let me write you.<strong>

**Shakespear quotes for no reason. Yeah.**

**OK. So, slight plot. And it's quite short, so I'm very sorry. I've proofread it, again, so I hope it's all OK and no punctuation was eaten.**

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><p><strong>READ THIS NOTE PLEASE<strong>

**Everyone who SENT IN AN APPLICATION BEFORE THEY CLOSED, please would you tell me what ship (if any) you support and which ship (if any) you loathe. It'll complete my notes.**

**Thank you!**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: I am so sorry! And I'm back!**

**I gave up reading and writing fanfiction for Lent, a snap decision made on Ash Wednesday, and whilst I have been back reading for a few days, I have been working on ScriptFrenzy and school and this WAS written a week ago, but I wanted to continue before I posted it. Then I felt I HAD to post something, so here it is :) Sorry!**

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><p><span>Chapter 6<span>

Over on the other side of the hall, at the other long table, another clique was forming and coalescing gradually. At its centre were a few very distinctive figures.

Iris folded herself up a little further in an effort to be inconspicuous. 'Are you going to eat that, Jeanne?' she asked with disgusted fascination.

'I am,' Jeanne replied as loftily as she could. 'I'm sure they wouldn't feed us anything really poisonous. Anyway, isn't this what fairies eat?'

'Dwarfs, maybe,' tech17 replied doubtfully. 'But I don't really think it's suitable for human consumption.'

Sophie was staring at the plate of food, looking slightly greener than she normally did. 'Jeanne, what's that?'

Jeanne looked down in trepidation. 'I… really don't know, actually.'

'Do you think it's alive?' wondered Iris as she poked it.

'I think it might have been once,' replied Jeanne doubtfully.

A bang on the table jolted Jeanne's plate slightly. The unidentified object began to ooze away.

The bang had come from the fist of a girl sitting a little further down the table. 'I think you're forgetting the real reason we're here!' Ivy Willows glared ferociously at the others from her mismatched hair-chocolate eyes. 'To defeat all these barriers and obstacles, to-' she paused. 'Jeanne, your plate of food is running away.'

'I think it might have been resuscitated by the jolt,' a new girl theorized. Jeanne spared a moment to look at her. 'See, the kinetic force could well have been all that was needed to trigger a process of-'

'Do you know what she's talking about?' whispered Iris to Sophie.

'Not really, no,' the sprite-girl replied.

'-a complete cellular renewal, also known as regeneration.' The girl blinked and made a small mewing noise. 'I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from.' She adjusted her fez to make it sit squarely between her cat ears.

'Are those on a headband?' tech17 asked interestedly.

'Nope. This is me. I know, I know- I look like I'm from New Earth, minus a bit of fur.' Another mew escaped from her mouth. 'I've even got a tail.'

'That _is_ cool,' Iris admired.

'I know! And I got a bowtie, too!'

'Yes, it looks horrible,' Ivy Willows critiqued. 'Wrong shade of red for that salmon pink blouse.'

'Hey!' the girl protested. The entire group chorused on cue, 'Bowties are cool!'

'What's your name?' Jeanne asked politely.

'Artemis the Third,' the catgirl answered with a polite smile.

'Can you be Artemis the Twenty-Seventh or something? Only it's proved a bit popular…' Ivy said tiredly.

'I'll just be Arty, then, how about that?'

The entire group looked at the catgirl dressed as the Doctor, thought for a moment of their beloved criminal genius, then shouted 'NO!'

'Right, fine, fine. I'm Three, then, how's that?'

'I think that should be alright,' Jeanne allowed graciously.

Ivy cleared her throat. 'In any case, it is now time to return to the real purpose of our group. We are dedicated. We are strong. We are mildly obsessed. We are…' She paused for dramatic effect and the author took the opportunity to use ellipses. 'The Artemis Lovers!'

There was a pause.

'That's a bit…' someone began.

'Useless?' another girl suggested.

Ivy drew herself up to her full height, which was not much, for the pure-blooded elf was a little under a meter high and was almost dwarfed by her hair (no pun intended) which still stuck out straight in every direction like a giant pom-pom.

'Are you suggesting,' she hissed, 'that my name is inadequate?'

'Well… yeah,' came a voice in the crowd. A general muttering of consent, yesses, 'She's right you know's, and other confirmatives came from down the table.

Ivy looked slightly deflated by the lack of cowed-ness. 'Well, does anyone have a better idea?' Her typoed eyes looked menacingly down the table, and slowly a chorus of 'No, Ivy…' came susurrating back.

'Good,' Ivy said with a happy smile. 'Now! Introductions.'

* * *

><p>At nine o'clock that night, most of the students were safely tucked up in bed. A large number of them, however, had decided to ignore the 9pm curfew simply to sneak about with their new friends.<p>

The library was quiet and dim. The distant screams of those caught out of bounds by the trollz were muffled by the thick doors, which minervaartemis closed behind her as silently as she could.

The library was huge, and in the dark it seemed cavernous. The area in front of the doors was a massive lounge, of sorts, scattered with armchairs, sofas, chaise longues, tables of various sizes and lamps of many different sorts. It was like a giant fifties living room, all the furniture being period and mostly lacy.

The lounge area was walled in with shelves full of books that stretched up to the distant, vaulted ceiling. The only light came from the torch that minervaartemis held in her hand, its white beam cutting across the room. minervaartemis stepped over to the nearest table and carefully struck a match, lighting the gaslamp. There was an electric one a meter away but gas was cooler. Or warmer, depending.

The giant polished desk where the Librarians, presumably, resided was deserted. minervartemis was strangely relieved about that, although she hadn't seen the Librarians yet, feeling that they must be rather formidable.

minervaartemis settled down in an armchair which faced towards the door, casting her gaze around the library. Whoever had asked her to meet them there had not yet shown up, it would appear.

The shadows of the library shivered in the wavering gaslight. minervaartemis shivered a little too, and she got up and went to the next table, lighting that lamp as well. This one was electric and a little stronger, though the room was still dim. The shelves seemed to stretch off forever and minervaartemis could see dimly that there were more shelves behind them.

minervaartemis settled onto the sofa nearby, still watching the room.

Minutes passed in the silent dark. The screams of students being caught by the trollz seemed to fade away, and the library became ever more silent.

minervaartemis checked her watch. 9-25. Obviously whoever it was wasn't coming. She stood up, moving to shut off the lamp.

'Oh, no, don't leave,' came a voice from behind her. On the sofa. Next to where she had been sitting.

The leader of the Minerva Haters spun around with a squeak, hands flailing, as she backed towards the table and the small pool of light thrown by the electric lamp.

'I haven't had a chance to talk to you yet,' the voice continued smoothly. minervaartemis choked in fear and scrambled back, colliding with the table.

The voice moved a little as it continued, and minervaartemis saw a dark shadow flitting across the room.

'I am doing this for your own good, you know. You are playing with fire, young woman, and you have no idea how far you could fall.'

A floor lamp flicked on and minervaartemis shielded her eyes against the bright light. Her eyes adjusted and she looked up to see a student, her own age, doubled over in silent laughter.

'I'm sorry,' the stranger said between giggles. 'I've always wanted to pull that on somebody.' She straightened up and held out a hand.

**Told you I hadn't really finished it...**


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm baaaaack! I keep running out of steam on this -.- I am REALLY sorry, so here's a rather longish chapter as a kind of affirmitive.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

minervaartemis simply stared at the proffered digits. This was something of a testimony to her shock that she wasn't staring at the girl's face.

'Oh, sorry,' the stranger said with a friendly smile. 'I'm Emily.'

'E-emily?' minervaartemis stuttered. 'Uh… pleased to meet you. I'm minervaartemis.' Gingerly, she shook hands with the girl.

'I wouldn't worry. I don't bite,' Emily commented. 'I know, I know- it's the eyes.'

'Uh, well, now that you mention it-' minervaartemis began.

'Oh, don't say you hadn't noticed, I'd know you were lying.' Emily sat down. 'I'm not psychic, just not stupid.'

In the dimmer light by the sofa, Emily looked a little more normal. But only a little.

Her hair was not the first thing that minervaartemis had noticed, but it was a very close second. It was curled and puffed and held up with about a dozen cans of hairspray. It was a mixture of red and black, and it put minervaartemis in mind of a very punk doll. The curls were gathered into two side bunches, but they seemed to take up about twice the space of her head.

The eyes, however, were the first thing that she noticed. Emily's eyes were huge, brown and about twice the size of her face in total.

They were literally the size of saucers. The kind you put teacups on. In order to accommodate these enormous eyeballs, her upper face had expanded to make her somewhat resemble ET. Her skull must have looked insane.

Next to this, her bright, flamingo-pink face was almost unnoticeable. The skin of her neck and hands seemed normal, though.

'It does have its plus points,' Emily remarked.

'How did you-'

'Not psychic, just not stupid. Anyway, I have the most amazing eyesight. Larger pupils, better night vision. I can see you as clearly here as if all the lights were on. And I have excellent long-distance eyesight too.'

'Just as well you don't need glasses,' minervaartemis muttered. 'So why did you ask me to meet you?'

'Aside from going all mysterious-sage on you? I wanted to warn you.'

'Warn me of what?'

'You're the ringleader of that little bunch. The guys who hate Minerva,' Emily said. It wasn't a question.

'So?'

'So, I happen to know that you don't agree with them and their views. In the real world- fine. It's only a story. My best friend back there hated this series.'

'Really?'

'Yeah. But it was only a book.' Emily leaned forwards. 'But here- it's real. It's all real. Somehow, somewhere. Maybe it's all a weird dream. But we're all dreaming together.'

'So what?'

'If they find out that you don't agree with them, there will be trouble. I've read about this kind of place. Everyone comes here for a reason- crimes against the fandom.' Emily sat back. 'They're all the mad kind. They'd tear you apart. In reality? Nah. But in this world, things are… more intense. Reasonable people become rabid fangirls, because everyone else is. People do that. Mass hysteria. Salem witch trials. That kind of thing.'

'So you're saying they'd burn me at the stake?' minervaartemis asked sceptically.

'Maybe not. Well. Probably not. But you could get hurt. They could get hurt. If they go too far and try and attack the canons, well…'

'Then I have to stay,' minervaartemis said determinedly. 'I mean, if I leave, then Tara or ParsnipArrow or someone will take command. And then they'll all follow whatever stupid plan to kill Minerva they decide is a good idea.'

'The blind leading the blind,' Emily said with a quirk of her eyebrow. 'Good point.'

'So I'll stick around, convince them I agree, keep them out of trouble.' Minervaartemis sat back. 'At home, the real world, whatever, I read a few of these too. They normally end up OK, right?'

'Non-fatal injuries at most, yeah,' Emily agreed. 'Listen, there's a few other cliques around. Most of them are like yours. A lot of people who aren't that fussed and are just chilling with their friends because everyone else is, and one or two total psychos.'

'If the psychos get too much power…' minervaartemis began.

'Yeah. So if we're careful, we can keep them together. Set them against each other, play 'em off to give them a sense of rivalry, stop 'em from actually causing damage.'

'That is unbelievably clever,' minervaartemis agreed. She brushed her black hair from her pale face. 'So how do we do that? Which clique are you in?'

'Nothing, yet,' Emily said thoughtfully. 'But I know the leaders, and the psychos, of all of them. If I can get some of the saner ones in on this-'

'We can get a kind of cartel,' minervaartemis said with a wicked grin. 'We'll have them all under our thumbs.'

'I'll tell you what. The main cliques are these; the Minerva Haters-'

'-People-Who-Hate-Minerva-Paradiso-' interjected minervaartemis.

'-the Artemis Lovers, the Holly Haters, the Leftovers.'

'The _leftovers_?'

'They are the ones who don't really have enough people for cliques. Minor character lovers, obscure shippers, that kind of thing.'

'Huh. OK, so which ones are run by the psychos?'

'The Artemis Lovers is technically run by Ivy. She's a bit obsessed with Fowl. But she's only just forming a powerbase, I think we can sway some of them over to a sane person.'

'OK, who in that group is sane?'

'Uhh…' Emily screwed up her face in thought. 'Sane is relative, right?'

minervaartemis dropped her head into her hands.

'Let's try… Iris looks sane.'

'I haven't met her.'

'You can't miss her. Tall. Thin.'

'Oh, that one.'

'Yeah. She's sane… but maybe too much. She's just following her friends.'

'Jeanne Paige?'

'Sane, we said sane.'

'Right, uh… Three.'

'Three?'

'Cat. Eleventh Doctor.'

'Ah, right. ArtemisTheThird.'

'Right, her. Sane-'

'-but driven,' minervaartemis concluded. 'Listen, Emily, isn't this…'

'What?'

'Well, messing people around a bit?'

'For their own good,' Emily pointed out.

'Yeah… but shouldn't they have the right to choose where they go, who leads them-'

'The psychos will seize power. It's in their character types. They're so driven, they can't bear to let someone who doesn't follow their exact ideology take control. They will lead their groups to a kind of war.'

'How much damage can some teenagers _possibly_ do?'

'Not much, in the grand scheme of things, true. They can't destroy a country. But they can destroy lives. You ever been bullied at school?'

'No, I was lucky…'

'Yeah. Well, people hang themselves because the people they spend every day with disagree with them over something trivial. Hair. Make up. Weight. Glasses. A book.'

'Point taken, but isn't this overkill? We're setting up a mafia here.'

'You want out? You get out. I'll stop. But then you'll have to duck out of the clique. Otherwise you're doing what you've just said is wrong.'

'If I duck out, then Tara will-' minervaartemis began. Then she stopped.

'Precisely,' Emily said smugly. 'And it's not like we're hurting them. They're free to do as they like.'

minervaartemis sighed and sank back. 'You win. So what do we do?'

'Tomorrow night, we'll meet back here. I'll bring Three. Let's see… who else?'

'Let's see what Three thinks of all of this,' minervaartemis suggested. 'Then we'll pick someone else.'

'Sensible,' Emily nodded. 'For now, we should get to bed. It's quarter to ten. The trollz might easily catch us if we hang around.'

'See you tomorrow. And if I see you before then, this never happened,' minervaartemis said as she got up.

'Bye,' Emily said with a little smile.

* * *

><p>The next day dawned bright and early. The sun rose over the grounds of Fowl manor, in which the University buildings were sited.<p>

The sun poked its bright fingers through the windows. The bars of sunlight shone through the dorm windows, illuminating a patch of carpet in the centre of each dorm of slumbering students. They warmed the faces of slumbering teens, causing most to grumble and turn over. The stabbing beams of light prodded eyelids, scratching at the edges of dreams.

Jeanne was curled up in her bunk. The sun peeked in at her around the edge of the curtains. She scowled while deep in dreams and drew the duvet over her head.

minervaartemis was lying uneasily in her bed. Her fragile sleep, disturbed by dreams of Emily's plans, was shattered by the light. She cursed and tossed in her slumber.

Emily was sleeping the sound sleep of the securely self-righteous. The light barely touched her deep, dark dreamless sleep.

Tara and Ivy slept in their respective bunks. They were both utterly unaware of all that had transpired and were dreaming of the canons that they were so eager to meet.

The sunlight poked fiery rays through the staff windows too. It shone on the faces of the canons, each living safely in the Manor. Artemis barely moved, the sun struggling to make its way through the thick velvet drapes. Butler was already long awake, preparing breakfast as he reviewed the security arrangements. Juliet was in her room, applying make-up. Holly had risen early, a soldier to the core, and was in the gym. Root and the other officers were awake too, uneasy in this human residence. Foaly was twitching his tail in paranoid slumber. Minerva was idly using the computer, still in her room.

The staff were mostly up already. The trollz were halfway through their morning rounds. The teachers were prepping lessons. The cooks had already begun to prepare the muck they were feeding to the students for breakfast.

Miss Emrys, however, was still sound asleep. The sunlight prodded and poked, burning fiery holes in her eyelids. She slept on.

Miss Maleficant opened her door and looked through. The Headmistress tutted at the sight of her colleague's slumber.

A bucket of water emptied over Miss Emrys' head. Miss Maleficant let out a rare smile at the sight of her fellow Headmistress's yells and splutters.

'First day of classes today,' commented Miss Maleficant. 'You need to get up.'

Miss Emrys glared at her peer. She was standing straight up in the doorway, dressed in a smart black dress. It was of the Victorian type, floor length skirts, a tight corset, demure and strict. She looked annoyingly awake and prim.

'You did prep for classes today?' Miss Maleficant prompted.

'Maybe,' Miss Emrys mumbled.

'You have What's In A Name first period. Then you have A&A third. Please tell me you did plan What's In A Name.'

A pillow came sailing towards her. It didn't hit her. Either Miss Maleficant had moved or the pillow had thought better of it. Miss Emrys wasn't really sure which.

'Out. I need to get ready.'

Miss Maleficant exited the room, pulling the door to behind her, and went to terrorize someone else.

* * *

><p>Jeanne slumped into her seat in the main hall with a low mumble and collapsed face down.<p>

'Not a morning person?' Iris had managed to find coffee from somewhere. The smell was driving everyone else crazy.

Elizabeth slumped opposite Jeanne.

'You too, huh?' said 2whitie sympathetically.

'So, breakfast?' Iris asked.

'If it's better than tea yesterday…'

'It won't be,' chorused the other three.

Elizabeth shrugged. 'Optimistic.'

'No, realistic,' Jeanne muttered.

Breakfast was served. It was mostly indistinguishable from last night's dinner. Jeanne suspected it _was_ last nights dinner.

But they had tea and coffee. Every student in the hall dived for the coffee.

'I do think that the coffee was a little too kind,' Miss Maleficant murmured over her teacup. 'We don't want to give them too much luxury.'

'Coffee is not a luxury,' Miss Emrys said firmly as she sipped hers. 'It is a human right.'

'Most of the world has no access to coffee.'

'And most of the world lacks other human rights as well. It's a pity. But it's the way the world is.' Miss Emrys sipped hers again. 'Freedom, life, liberty, coffee.'

'Those are not the human rights as laid down by the UN charter.'

'I know. It's just that I'm only on my first cup of coffee.'

The bell went a few minutes later.

'First period, everyone!' Miss Maleficant called. She never needed to shout. 'You will all have received copies of your timetable through your screens in your dorms. It should have automatically synchronised with the units that were in your rooms. Do you all have those with you?'

About half of the student body nodded.

Miss Maleficant sighed. 'Very well. You shall go to your dorms and collect the units that were stored in your drawers, and then you will make your way to your first class. The units contain maps and the University is simply laid out. You will go directly to your classes with no lingering. After the first two lessons, you will have a short break before your next classes. Any questions?'

Not even the most foolhardy of the students dared to ask Miss Maleficant anything.

'Good. Go.'

The teens filed out noisily.

'Have you finished planning?' Miss Maleficant asked acerbically. Miss Emrys hurriedly shoved the sheets of paper she'd been scribbling on under her plate.

'Of course.'

'Liar.'

* * *

><p><em>Classroom 21<em>

'Alright, settle down,' Miss Emrys said coolly as she strolled in. The students were seated in a tier of benches which rose up in front of her. Her own working area was equipped with a state-of-the-art Smart Whiteboard, supplied by Foaly, with motion-sensitive technology and top-of-the-line definition. It was reverse-projected, eliminating the need for a projector.

Her working space also boasted a deep pit around the edge, between her and the front row of students, and a railing on which was perched three trollz (Atrems, Holy and Route).

'This class is called "What's In A Name". You should all have a workbook in your desks. Please get it out.'

There was a clatter as lids were raised and books removed.

'Write your names on the front. Then pay attention.'

Miss Emrys strode to the front of the class. 'Yesterday, we introduced you to these Mini Trollz. We also explained how they were created. Who can tell me what causes them?'

A few hands went up. Miss Emrys focussed on one. 'You. With the pageboy haircut. Yes, you.'

A girl with hair cut to the midback of her head lowered her hand. 'Me?'

'You. Name?'

'15b.'

'OK, Miss, ah, 15b. Tell me about the trollz.'

'You said that they were created from our spelling errors, and that they act as guards.'

'Correct.' Miss Emrys moved over to the one with the twisted pale face and greasy black hair. 'This is Atrems.' She motioned to the board and ATREMS appeared on it. 'He was meant to be Artemis, as you can see. When Artemis' name was twisted, Atrems was born, and his appearance was twisted too. He was twisted following _your_ words.' Miss Emrys walked around the side of the little deformed being. 'He has raven hair.' She pointed to the feathers sticking from his scalp. 'And sapphire eyes.' She pointed to the hard gems set into his face. 'And pale skin.' She indicated the ghostly pallor of the boy.

The students were dead silent. There was the faint sound of pencils scratching, but mostly the teens in the room were absorbing the impact of her words.

'Everyone makes mistakes. Fair enough. We all type fast and typo.' Miss Emrys strode back to her desk. 'But that is what spellcheck is for, children.'

A hand was raised.

'Yes? You with the… the hair.'

ParsnipArrow lowered her hand.

'Why does it really matter? I mean, we're creatives. Writers. We can't get bogged down in all that boring grammar stuff. It won't really help our story.'

The glare levelled at ParsnipArrow would have lit a candle at twenty paces.

'Grammar is the most important thing in your story except spelling. Spelling is what we are talking about here, Miss, ah…'

'ParsnipArrow.'

'Miss Arrow. No matter _how_ excellent your plot is, how brilliant your characters, how sparkling your witty repartee, it means _nothing_ if it's incoherent. For example.'

Miss Emrys flicked a wrist at the board and it obligingly displayed a paragraph of text. 'Would someone volunteer to read aloud?'

She gazed at the class. 'You. With the balck hair.'

Jeanne lowered her hand and frowned at the board. 'It wsa a brllliant dya. Teh sn ws sparkying an dth e brids wrere sining.' She stopped. 'I don't know how…'

'Precisely.' Miss Emrys gestured at the board. It read like this:

_It wsa a brllliant dya. Teh sn ws sparkying an dth e brids wrere sining. Foul Manner wsa rlly pretty in th e snlit, but not sa pritty as Artmeisa Foul, Atrems long-last sister. Se was na elf, an she had ony just fnd out abauut Atrems. Se dha immidatiely lfy hern job a s \ LEPpe ageent an cmen to see him, evbewn tho all de t fasiries ha d beggeedc her to stay._

Miss Emrys had spent some time composing it. She kept on having to stop to get drunk, and next time she vowed she would just let a monkey loose on the keyboard. It might do a better job, though perhaps a little too coherent.

'Even supposing this plot was viable- which it isn't, although we'll cover that later- the spelling is what really lets this down.' She sniffed. 'And the grammar. And word choice. And really, there isn't anything that lets it _up_.'

The class shifted awkwardly.

'Yes, that's right. You _all_ wrote like this. Some of you,' she said with a grudging allowance, 'might have had perfect grammar and spelling. It happens. But for the most part?' She fixed them with the Glare again. 'You all did this. You all made no effort at all to make it comprehensible and you took _no pride_ in your own work.

'So.' Miss Emrys turned on her heel. 'This lesson regards naming. Thus we will focus on the spelling of names and leave the rest to your Beta 101 classes. I want you to write down in the back of your books the names of every character from the Artemis Fowl series that you can remember. Points are not about number; they are about correct spelling. Go.'

The students bent industriously over their work.

* * *

><p><em>Classroom 34<em>

'-and therefore, only two halves can go into a whole. Do you all understand this precept?' Foaly swished his tail in intense irritation. 'We won't delve into advanced abstract mathematics or anything like that. You mudwhelps aren't that advanced yet.'

Artemis stepped forwards. A few fangirls attempted to move towards him. The four trollz perched on the rails shifted position subtly. They stopped.

'The applications of this principle are clear and obvious. A person can be divided into only two halves. It's true that they _can_ be divided into smaller fractions. But only two halves. Do you understand?'

The fangirls nodded blissfully.

'Therefore. Any character that you create can be half-something. Half French, half German, half Irish. But not all three. Half something and half something else, but that's it. They could be a quarter French and a quarter German, and still be half Irish. Is this very clearly understood by you?'

Foaly noted abstractedly that the Fowl boy was still counting his words. The Atlantis Complex clearly had a strong hold on him. That could be a problem later.

'Now,' he began, clopping forwards. 'We move on to the Science aspect of this lesson. We begin with elementary geology.'

The students turned new pages in their books, doodled, stared at Artemis, stared at the walls, and occasionally paid attention. Foaly gestured at the board behind him. A cut-away diagram of the Earth appeared.

'I assume that even you morons are aware that the Earth is round.' He paused to check for affirmation. 'Good. Now. What is at the centre of the Earth?..'

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah. Came out surprisingly serious. IDK why. Updates will take a while, I suspect :)<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: GAH I AM SO SORRY.**

**I think this one kept slipping under my update radar because things just kept coming. RL was really dumping on me for a bit and then I sat down to write and I'd forgotten everything. This is a very short chapter becuase I wanted to update and this was me getting back into the swing of things.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter 8<span>**

At last the bell rang for lunch. Miss Maleficant, who was teaching a class Adjectives and Adverbs, glared menacingly at her students. Those who had been foolhardy enough to stand up and start moving sat back down again meekly.

She kept them back for a further five minutes just to make the point.

'Your homework,' she informed them at the last moment, 'is to write me two to three paragraphs of Artemis Fowl story- using NO original characters- containing correctly used adverbs and adjectives. There must be a minimum of three of each in your story. Dismissed.'

With that she strode out of the classroom, leaving the students grumbling as they noted down the assignment.

'No original characters? That takes all the fun out of creating!' Jeanne fumed.

Elizabeth patted her on the shoulder. 'I know, but at least we get to write.'

'Two paragraphs!' Jeanne snorted. 'Right. Yeah. Cause we have to use paragraphs, now. I think it breaks up my story far too much.'

'Do _you _want to explain that to Miss Maleficant?' Elizabeth said resignedly. They both shuddered.

'Hiya, Jeanne,' said Holi, dropping into place on Jeanne's other side as she packed away her books. 'It's lunch now, right?'

'If this place has any semblance of sanity, yeah,' Jeanne said hopefully. 'Do you think they'll be giving us human food now?'

They all considered it.

'Nah,' they said as one.

'C'mon, let's go find the others,' Jeanne said. They traipsed off down the corridor with the rest of the students.

The lunch hall was pretty crowded. Despite the apparent lack of edible food, the students were nonetheless flooding in.

Jeanne and Elizabeth made their way over to the table where Iris and 2whitie sat.

'How was your morning?' Elizabeth asked as they sat down. She began to prod at what the cooks had assured her was a salad. Something slithered away under a leaf.

'Not too bad,' 2whitie replied. 'We had Math & Science Basics.'

Jeanne snorted. 'How old do they think we are?'

'Jeanne, can you tell me offhand the genetics of your last OC?'

'Uh… half fairy, half pixie, half human…' Jeanne trailed off.

'Exactly.'

'It's a figure of speech!'

2whitie and Iris both shuddered. 'Do not say that around the teachers. They'll set a troll on you.'

All the students shivered in memory.

'So, what was your morning like?' Iris asked.

'We had What's In A Name first.' Jeanne frowned. 'That was weird. She made us write out lists of all the characters we could remember-'

'-with points for spelling them correctly,' Elizabeth finished. She smiled smugly. 'I got extra for remembering the accent on Vinyáya.'

'And I got marked down for misspelling Turnball,' Jeanne scowled. 'I swear it only has one L.'

* * *

><p>Across the hall, at the Staff table, all was not well.<p>

'How are things going?' Miss Emrys asked Miss Maleficant politely around a mouthful of potato salad.

A glare made her shrink back and swallow her food.

'As first days of term go, it is certainly not terrible,' Miss Maleficant said grudgingly. 'I did give out two detentions and a homework assignment this morning.'

'Only two?' Miss Emrys said in amazement. 'Either you're slacking or they are unusually well behaved.'

'I know. But even I won't deal out punishment where none is due, although frankly some of the writing that I had to deal with…'

'I completely agree. During my free period, I had to compose another one of those terrible story extracts for my next group of What's In A Name, and I nearly threw up.'

'Wouldn't that be because of the amount of alcohol you had to consume to reach that level of illiteracy?'

'Partly, yes.'

Miss Maleficant smiled- or at least, the corners of her mouth turned up and you could see her teeth- and took another bite of her quiche Lorraine.

'The rest of the day is Basic Combat Training and MHTH. We don't have to deal with them anymore and we get to watch them suffer.'

'That does sound wonderful,' Miss Emrys agreed with a sigh.

* * *

><p>Over on Jeanne's table, the conversation had mostly ceased in order to allow the students to choke down their lunch. It took concentration, especially as some of it was still moving and they had to catch it before it made it across the hall.<p>

'Hey, guys,' Three said presently as she stabbed ineffectually at what might have been lettuce in a past life. 'Does anyone know- _ow!_' The lettuce wriggled and she stabbed her finger with her fork. The salad took the opportunity to slide away. 'Does anyone know what Basic Combat Training is?'

Jeanne determinedly speared a piece of something which might have been part of an animal but probably didn't quite deserve the title of meat. 'No idea, but- _what is this?_ That smells _rank- _but it sounds bad.' She poked it with her fork and finally worked up the courage to eat it.

Over the noise of Jeanne throwing up onto the floor, tech17 thoughtfully picked at her bowl of slop masquerading as soup. It went _gloop_. 'Maybe it's a kind of military thing?'

'Could be,' Iris agreed. 'Sounds like the kind of thing you'd have to pass to get into the LEP or something.'

'Well, it can't be that hard,' Three said finally, her face taking on a green tinge as she swallowed. 'I mean, basic training- that's like, the beginners stuff. And it can't take more than a day.'

'It should be really easy,' Sophie commented. 'I remember writing some stories about this stuff- everyone aces basic training. That's why they call it basic. Three, you're looking a bit, well, green…'

'Like you can talk,' Three responded, gesturing at the half-sprite. Sophie blushed and winched in her wings self-consciously.

'Don't mind her, I think it's awesome,' Iris commented. 'I mean, you have _wings_.'

'I wasn't saying that there was anything wrong with it!' Three protested. 'I just meant she's green!'

* * *

><p>The bell went for the end of lunch and the students poured out of the hall and into the corridors.<p>

'Where do we go for Basic Training?' Sophie asked.

Iris consulted her unit. 'Courtyard, it says.'

'This place has a courtyard?'

'Apparently.' Iris glanced up at the nearest screen. 'Left here, then right.'

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah. I told you it was short. Sorry again. I've just got in from a roadtrip and thus am uploading this unfinished before I go collapse in a nice warm bed.<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hiii again! Yes, I have finally kicked myself into gear and got another chapter written!**

**As to the opening of this and the weird style... that is actually my normal writing style, just more serious XD I've been reading the awesome Roommates/GND series over on DA- go check it out, it's not AF but it is hilarious- and this whole opener is inspired/riffed off the Such Stuff arc. **

**Anyway, there we go. It might seem like not much is going on, especially as I set up for that arc a couple chapters back, but I promise you, the exposition is necessary.**

**-WARNING- Some pretty major spoilers in this chapter for Last Guardian. Proceed at your own discretion. Also, I forgot to put this up earlier so to anyone who was spoilt, I sincerly and deeply apologies, please don't hate me.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter<span> 9**

There is a place where dreams come true and stories are real.

This is that place.

Except that it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

Stories are wonderful adventures, but when you have to start living them out you find that actually, a lot of adventures are really not all they're cracked up to be either.

And if you've ever dreamed, at all, ever fallen asleep and let your mind wander, you'll know that the _last_ thing you _ever _want to see is your dreams coming true.

OFUs run off dreams and stories. By their nature, they are reliant on imagination and myth and the half-thoughts glimmering underneath the veil of everyday thinking.

Every OFU is different. They all operate in slightly offset versions of reality- they all follow, more or less, whatever rules they feel like and view the rest as more like, shall we say… guidelines.

At present, one of the rules-that-are-really-more-like-guidelines happens to be that of gravity. And temporal mechanics.

'You know,' Miss Emrys said contemplatively as she stood in her study, 'I'm really not sure that having Basic Training on the curriculum is reasonable.'

Miss Maleficant joined her at the window looking out over the courtyard full of struggling students, which hadn't been there the morning before. Miss Emrys' office, like the rest of the staff quarters, never stayed in the same place for long.

'Yes,' Miss Maleficant replied thoughtfully. 'It is rather unfair on the instructors.'

'At least the fairies they normally train for the LEP are sane,' Miss Emrys said with a grimace.

'And able to stand upright after being thrown a few metres,' Miss Maleficant added.

A gentle knock sounded at her door.

'Enter,' Miss Maleficant called.

Miss Emrys turned and glared at her. 'It is my office.'

'And I am your co-head,' Miss Maleficant replied coolly.

The door, meanwhile, had swung open. Standing calmly in the doorway was, technically, their boss. Or at least, their financial backer, which is of course much the same thing.

'Artemis,' Miss Emrys said warily. 'Take a seat.'

The Irish teen did so, with that eerie blank expression that gave away absolutely nothing whilst simultaneously conveying the message that if he decided to kill you, he had enough money and power to do it and enough smarts that he would _never get caught_.

This look worked on everyone except Butler and Holly. And, of course, Misses Emrys and Maleficant. OFU heads are made of stronger stuff.

Which is not to say that it wasn't slightly unnerving.

'What can we do for you?' Miss Emrys asked briskly, sitting behind her desk. Miss Maleficant took the chair behind her.

Artemis settled himself. 'I wish to discuss with you the ramifications of the most recent book.'

No point beating about the bush.

Miss Emrys and Miss Maleficant exchanged glances.

'We were… waiting for someone to ask,' Miss Emrys admitted. 'I had expected that it would be you. Or perhaps Foaly or Minerva.'

'What she means,' Miss Maleficant said dryly, 'is that she had bets on who would figure it out. Your odds, by the way, were very good.'

Artemis smiled. Or at least, his lips turned up. 'They usually are, Miss Maleficant.'

'Well,' Miss Emrys said with a sigh, 'I can see why you came alone. Of course, there are more… issues for you than for anyone.'

'I believe that to be the case. You may have noticed, although I doubt it, that I am recovering more rapidly from my previous… affliction.'

'Although,' Miss Maleficant said with a smirk of her own, 'you are not yet cured, Artemis. Twenty five words.'

'I said recovering, not recovered,' the boy said waspishly. He leaned forwards intently. 'All I wish to know is, will I follow the course of events as dictated in the book? I understand, professors, that the issue is… complicated somewhat by my suspension from canon. I also understand that, in the event of my return to what you might call a full reality, I will… lose some memories that I have gained here. In effect, it is something like a timestop- the course of events is currently suspended, which is after all what allows the Commander to be with us. And if we return, we will effectively be mindwiped of our involvement.' He looked Miss Emrys in the eye. 'The others are unaware of this. I believe that it is best things stay that way.'

Miss Emrys looked faintly impressed. 'Of course, you also understand the _nature_ of the canonical suspension. Time is not halted here. It is merely… delayed. But you do realise…'

'Time cannot be frozen forever,' Artemis interrupted. He sat back and dropped his gaze. 'I assure you, I am perfectly aware of that fact.'

'And you are aware, therefore, that however long you try to delay it, your canon will begin to catch up with you.' Miss Emrys rose and turned to face the window. 'The story is too powerful. You can't stop it. You can't change it. You, your friends, we all of us are shaped by dreams. And right now, Artemis-' She turned to look at him. 'Right now, there's a lot of dreamers who are dreaming of your death.'

'And my return,' Artemis added quietly. He gave a strained smile. 'I believe that to be a rather significant factor.'

'Indeed.' Miss Maleficant spoke now. 'You realise, Artemis, what it means. I think you already knew. I think, young man, you came here in the hope of being wrong.'

Artemis shrugged. 'Hope springs eternal, Miss Maleficant. And of course, the story is…'

'Endless,' Miss Emrys said. Her eyes were once again fixed on some distant object out of the window. 'The story is endless, Artemis. You know exactly what I mean. Dreams, or stories if you prefer, never fade. Dreams never die. You have… a lot of leeway. You are unambiguously alive, you are very much safe, you and your friends have a great deal more hope than many others. Your story is endless, Artemis, and it is up to you- it is _always, always_ up to you- to end it. We make our own endings, Fowl, write our own stories.' She turned back to the silent teenager. 'You understand.'

'I believe I do,' Artemis said thoughtfully. 'You mean, of course, that after my canon is over-'

'You are always free to return,' Miss Maleficant said. 'You cannot delay the passing of time in your canon. As long as there is a story ahead of you, you must continue to follow its path. But once the story ends, it is up to you.'

'You have until the end of this term,' Miss Emrys added. 'We can bend the laws of the narrative to our own use here. You're needed in this place. But once the year is over and the students graduate, or possibly die, there's no putting it off. You have to face it.'

'But once it's over,' added Miss Maleficant, 'you're free. Remember that. When you return here, you will be the Fowl you want to be. And whoever you choose to become, you can be it. Without interference.'

Artemis gazed in contemplation at the shiny, wooden surface of the desk, pitted with what looked like stab marks. It had clearly been through a lot.

'Thank you, Professors,' he said suddenly, getting to his feet. 'I shall not take up any more of your time.' He nodded politely to the teachers and left, closing the door behind him.

Miss Emrys slumped back into her chair and put her head in her hands. 'This sucks.'

Miss Maleficant pulled her chair around to the end of the desk. 'What?'

'This,' Miss Emrys said, waving a hand without looking up. 'Why did I choose to take a post in an active canon again?'

'I'm sure I don't know. I've never understood you,' Miss Maleficant said thoughtfully.

Miss Emrys looked up. 'Thanks for those comforting words, Em.'

'If you must shorten my name, please use the letter M,' Miss Maleficant said waspishly. She held up a hand to forestall Miss Emrys' question. 'I could hear the E.'

Miss Emrys grumbled quietly and placed her head on her arms again.

'Look on the bright side,' Miss Maleficant said briskly. 'Artemis is the only one who's figured out what happens in the next book. I'm sure I don't know how. Perhaps he asked a student what happened.'

'We took them all out of their own timestream before the release of The Last Guardian, and even if we hadn't I doubt he'd want to talk to them.'

Miss Maleficant reflected. 'Yes. I shouldn't think he'd fancy his chances in a conversation with any of them. And any girl he spoke to would be ripped apart by the rest.'

'True,' Miss Emrys said contemplatively. Then she paused. 'In that case, M, the only people who know about the content of the next book are you and me.'

There was a brief pause, and then Miss Emrys sprung from her seat and began to prowl around the office, poking at the wooden panelling, checking the chipped plaster, examining every drawer and the underside of every surface. Miss Maleficant, meanwhile, began to scan the floor and ceiling for potential bugs.

They met in the centre of the office and began to converse in hushed whispers.

'He definitely has this place bugged.'

'How can you tell? We couldn't find anything!'

'Exactly.'

'Well, that means he can hear us!'

'Maybe we should switch to sign language?'

'He'll have visuals as well!'

'I'm going to get Foaly to sweep this place for bugs.'

After a moment, the office door opened and Miss Maleficant swept away down the corridor in search of the only person in the building currently more paranoid than the two heads.

Next door in the library, Artemis smiled in the rather frightening way he had, and settled back in his armchair. Sometimes the easiest way to deceive someone was to do something so frighteningly obvious that they'd never think of it, like putting your ear to the rather thin walls. That was a design flaw that they should probably have spotted, but they'd never figure out who the architect they'd commissioned to design the place actually was.

* * *

><p>Basic Training took up the last three lesson blocks of the afternoon, ended at five o'clock, and generated fifty seven casualties. Given that the current student population was only around 200, this was something of an achievement.<p>

Amongst those injured were Holi, who had been cut up pretty severely around the face because she had failed to tie back her hair and it had whipped around her head as she moved. The infirmary nurses registered her injuries under 'self inflicted' and left her to stew for a while after clearing out the cuts with antiseptic which, she was sure, was _far_ more painful than it needed to be.

Her hair now safely tied back, she sat grumpily on the floor in a corner, having been evicted from her bed by somebody who was more seriously injured. Why, Holi wasn't sure, given that the infirmary appeared to have enough space for all of the students and then some. That worried her slightly, somehow.

15B was lying in a bed opposite her, her brown hair mussed. The girl had been knocked unconscious fairly early on in an incident that Holi would prefer not to remember, and had been out cold ever since. Clearly, adequate spatial awareness and alertness were lifeskills at this school.

Next to _her_ was Kara Layton, who was conscious but trying very hard not to be. Kara had fallen foul of one of the death-traps they'd been forced to run and was at present recovering from a broken arm.

The medic warlock healing her stood up, shaking the last few blue sparks from his hands and making a few notes on the chart at the end of her bed.

'You're fine, get up and stop it,' he said, bored, before moving on. Kara opened her eyes in time to see the last dregs of magic diving below her skin, knitting together her bones and cartilage.

'I'm torn between wanting to squee over the whole magic thing and just curling up in a corner,' she admitted.

Holi rolled her eyes. 'Really? I mean, aren't you used to it yet?'

'Some of us aren't… whatever species you are. I mean, sorry, just… what _are _you?'

'Oh, that's right, make fun of the Welsh girl,' Holi said bitterly.

'Well, actually, I think what she was talking about was the giraffe – iPod – elf hybrid thing,' said a new voice.

15B sat up, wincing at her headache. 'Ow ow ow ow. Note to self. Dealing with concussion more important than snarky oneliners. Did I say that out loud? Oh, great.'

Kara Layton glanced curiously over. 'What happened to her?'

'Incident with a pixie and a large weight. Not going into details. She has a concussion,' Holi said idly. 'I'd lie down if I were you, 15B. That looks like it's going to hurt in three, two, one-'

She was interrupted by a groan from 15B, who quickly flopped back down again, regretted it, and curled up on her side.

'Concussions,' Holi shrugged. 'Predictable.'

Kara nodded, then a thought occurred to her. 'Wait a minute. Didn't she say that you were part elf?'

'Yup.' Holi reached up to push her hair out of her face, thought better of it, and carefully tossed the strand of hair out of the way. 'That's me. Half elf, half giraffe, half iPod, three-eighths Welsh.'

Kara blinked. 'What were you on when you filled out the form?'

'Still trying to remember. Must have been something insane and illegal to make that look like a good idea,' Holi groused.

'But if you're part elf, doesn't that mean that you have magic?' queried Kara.

Holi paused. 'I hadn't thought about that,' she admitted. 'I don't think so. I'm always cutting myself on my hair, and I have to go get tech17 or someone to heal me. Maybe I do have magic, it's just busy dealing with all the injuries so I'm never running hot.'

'Maybe you should try the Ritual,' came a muffled suggestion. 15B's somewhat unfocused eyes were peering at her over the edge of the blanket. 'Or maybe you're a criminal elf. Maybe you lost all your power. Wait, wasn't that spell thingy revoked? Or was that just a fic? Is that canon?' Her mumbles continued as she burrowed back beneath the blanket again, becoming a muffled litany of nonsense.

'She's right,' Kara said noncommittally. 'I mean, about the ritual. Unless you've been breaking and entering at some point before No1 lifted the spell. '

'Not to my knowledge. Anyway, would it have had any effect before I gained magic?'

'You'd have to ask Foaly or someone. Good luck getting near one of them,' Kara said ruefully.

'Yeah. Maybe I should just try the ritual, if we _ever_ get let outside without threat of near-certain incapacitation.'

'Like that's ever going to happen,' was the surprisingly lucid comment from 15B. Holi glanced over to find that an elf was standing by 15B's bedside, her hand on the girl's head. Blue sparks were playing around her fingers, knitting together over the back of 15B's cranium. 15B laughed.

'It kinda tickles,' she said in response to the stares. The elf shook her head and removed her hand, leaving 15B to sit up.

'So, what now?' 15B asked as she sat up.

'Well, in about,' Kara glanced at her watch, 'about two minutes, we go and have dinner.'

'Good. I'm starving,' Holi said with a grin.


	10. Chapter 10: The Plot Thickens

**A/N: Hurrah! A new chapter! It only took, what, six months?**

**Well, here we go. And I should so be revising but whatever. Also, to the person who submitted Emily's bio - I'm sorry for kind of turning her into a villain, it's no reflection on you. The story needed a villain and that's how it ended up. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10<strong>

The last few weeks at the OFU had been busy. And painful. And educational, in a twisted kind of way.

Miss Emrys and Miss Maleficant were sitting in Miss Emry's study, reviewing the progress of the students.

'Well, aside from the injuries sustained every time we send them on training-'

'Which are decreasing, technically,' Miss Emrys interjected.

'-they appear to be adjusting quite well,' Miss Maleficant finished. She sat back from the holographic screen, swiping her hand across the graph of injury levels (the slightest possible negative correlation was seen, barely a degree from horizontal). The graph shrank and twisted down into a corner, bringing up a video clip.

'What's this?' Miss Emrys said with curiosity.

'Oh, the… situation. With the students. You remember,' Miss Maleficant said offhandedly. 'I have been keeping tabs on it.'

'Anything new?'

'Not much. I have filed a report on it, on your desk.'

Miss Emrys glanced at her desk briefly. It was, at present, in the buried-under-paper stage of its life cycle. Every few weeks, she would get bored of being nagged and deal with the paper work by throwing it all in the fireplace, leaving the desk to emerge like a butterfly from a chrysalis, ready to become covered in new paper.

'Assume I haven't read it,' she said quickly.

Miss Maleficant gave her a stern look. 'Very well.' She settled herself. 'This report concerns…'

'You're going to give me the exact wording of your report? I mean, that wouldn't surprise me, but… you have it memorised?'

Miss Maleficant just looked at her co-head rather pointedly, and resumed her report.

'This report concerns the students known as Three, minervaartemis and Emily. On the first night of term, minervaartemis and Emily met to discuss an alliance, to control the shipping wars that traditionally take place within an OFU. minervaartemis is the leader of the Anti-Minerva group, known as…' Here there was a somewhat distasteful pause, before she continued, 'the People-Who-Hate-Minerva-Paradiso-Club.' Miss Maleficant gave a slight shudder as she said it. Her tone was so cold that you could have used it to freeze a small sun. 'However, she truly holds allegiance to the Minerva-Artemis shippers. She has gained control of the group with the intent of influencing and controlling its actions.

'Emily, on the other hand, as yet has no ties on her loyalty. Ostensibly, she has no allegiance or ties to any group. However, the girl has managed to cultivate the leaders of several of the groups and has possibly the most power of any member of the student body.

'The meeting appeared to be centred around the possibility of controlling the major players in these groups. It was thought that, if carefully played off against each other, serious harm could be prevented and a careful harmony of conflict created beneficial to those in power. If this power was used carefully, peace between opposing factions could be obtained with ease.'

'And if used carelessly?' Miss Emrys said coolly.

Miss Maleficant met her gaze. 'A great deal of harm could result.'

'And your concern? It is not for carelessness, not from this girl Emily.'

'No,' Miss Maleficant agreed. 'She is canny. I am not worried that she is careless. But in the wrong hands, that degree of control could be very harmful to the student body.'

'And is she the wrong hands?'

'Based on her actions, yes. Despite what she said to minervaartemis, I do not believe that her intent is to create equilibrium. If peace occurs, then there is no use for leaders or gangs. Only when there is an enemy is there power to be had, and power is what she wants.'

'So she will create war.'

'Manipulate it,' Miss Maleficant corrected. 'It is already brewing.'

Miss Emrys nodded. 'Continue.'

'The student known as Three is also involved in this. The night after their first meeting, minervaartemis brought her to meet with Emily, in the hopes that they could use her to control the Artemis Lovers. The plan was to use her as a figurehead in a coup to take power away from Ivy, who would not be open to manipulation, and give it to a more willing catspaw.'

'And?'

'Three disagreed. Vehemently. I believe that there was quite a violent debate, which ended in some property damage, a great deal of noise and all three of them running for their lives from the trollz. I have also been presented with a written request from the Librarians that the three students be given a fine, punishment, and mandatory volunteering in the library for a week to repair the damage caused. Some books and a shelving unit were damaged, and I fear for their safety should they set foot in the library without a member of staff to, ah, supervise.'

Miss Emrys waved a hand. 'Sign off on it and commence next Monday. Damaging books is a level of damage I am not going to contemplate allowing. And ensure that if they meet in the Library again a squad of trollz is nearby to prevent a repeat.'

Miss Maleficant gave a thin-lipped smile. 'I have already taken the liberty of doing so.'

'I'm your co-head, you need to wait for me to sign off on these things!'

'I did,' Miss Maleficant said nonchalantly. 'It was in the stack of documents last week. You raised no objections so I approved all of them.'

Miss Emrys glanced back at the overflowing paper on the desk guiltily. 'I have to start reading those things.'

'It's advisable,' Miss Maleficant agreed.

'Well, carry on. Three disagreed?'

'I have the video footage,' Miss Maleficant said. 'Here.' With a wave of her hand, the holographic display swooped upwards and expanded until the video took up two square metres of space, and began to play at her gesture. Sound came through neatly hidden speakers and the footage itself was crystal clear, despite the darkened library.

'I like these screens,' Miss Emrys commented. 'I'm going to have to take up more posts in technologically advanced canons.'

The shot showed the large "lounge" area of the library, one small section of which was lit up. Miss Maleficant grabbed the image and zoomed in on the lit space, which cleared a moment later to reveal a sharp, movie-quality view.

'Foaly's new security cameras,' she explained. 'They can zoom and magnify a single pixel with Hollywood accuracy.' Or, as the centaur had put it, _these things make CSI look like it's still in the Stone Age. Which, you know, it is. Mudman tech is about a thousand years behind the People's, and mine's about a thousand years ahead of that._

In the pool of light, Emily was sitting demurely, her huge eyes examining the room, listening for a sound. Approaching footsteps could be heard and Emily stiffened, then flicked off the light. The doors could be heard to creak open, and the dimly lit scene swivelled and pivoted to show the great doors of the library over Emily's shoulder.

'Movable cams,' Miss Maleficant explained. 'Semi-sentient, too. No more of the just-out-of-shot sneaking about. They detect what's going on and record it, and they immediately self-repair if disabled. And they function in groups of three. The security here is as good as it gets. Do you not listen to the centaur when he explains this stuff?'

'I tune out after a while,' Miss Emrys replied.

On the screen, the huge doors creaked open a hair, and minervaartemis could be seen to sneak in, leading another girl behind her. The doors snapped shut and minervaartemis made her way forward cautiously.

'Emily?' she whispered. 'Are you there?'

The light snapped on again and both girls jumped. Emily grinned and waved them over. The camera pulled back to show the two couches, the lamp, and the three students. Three sat nervously on one couch while minervaartemis sat down next to Emily.

'Hi,' Emily greeted Three. 'You're ArtemisTheThird?'

'Yeah, but call me Three, everyone else does,' Three said with an awkward smile. 'I'm guessing you're Emily.'

'Yup. I don't think we've met, we must not have any classes together.'

'No, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere… there's so many people here, it's difficult to keep track.'

The awkward small talk continued for a little longer, and then-

'So, what am I here for?'

'minervaartemis didn't tell you?' Emily frowned.

'Well, not much. I mean, she said you guys had a plan, but I…' Three trailed off with a shrug.

minervaartemis leaned forwards. 'We have a proposition for you.'

'A proposition.' Three cocked her head. 'Go on.'

'You are currently a member of the Artemis Lovers.' It wasn't a question. 'We feel that your talents are being… wasted.'

'What do you mean?' Three wasn't stupid and it was obvious that she had an idea of where this was going, but she wasn't going to be the one to say it.

Emily smiled at her. 'We feel that, perhaps, a change of leadership is soon to occur. And if someone happened to be in the right place at the right time, she might be able to… benefit.'

'You're talking about a coup,' Three said, her voice hard. 'And you want me to what? Get rid of Ivy?'

'Something like that,' Emily said. 'Not on your own, of course.'

'You aren't even in the group. What's your concern?'

Emily waved a hand. 'At present the… balance of power in the group is troubling us. We are concerned observers, nothing more.'

'Bull.' Three leaned forwards. 'You want something. I don't know what, but you want something, and Ivy won't give it to you, so now you want to swap her out for someone who will.'

Emily raised an eyebrow. 'Baldly put… but broadly accurate. Ivy is unstable. She will not see sense.'

'And what _is_ sense, pray?'

minervaartemis folded her arms. 'We need to establish a working relationship with the leader of your group. For mutual benefit.'

'Mutual benefit,' Three echoed. 'I know you, you're the leader of the Minerva Haters. And you – you don't have a group, but I've seen you around, talking to everyone. This is about power.'

'Isn't everything?' Emily asked smoothly.

'No!' Three stood up. 'Not everything is about getting something. I will _not _work with you, with either of you! You plan to turn everyone against each other, isn't that right?'

'An atmosphere of conflict enables-' Emily began, but Three cut her off.

'Enables _you_ to play puppet master, starting wars here and there just because, just for the hell of it, and because if people agreed – if there was no conflict – then there's no place for you, is there?'

'People need leaders in a time of conflict and we are there for them to choose,' Emily snapped. 'This is about free will!'

'It is about manipulation!' Three yelled back.

minervaartemis stood up and stepped forwards, conciliatory. 'I thought that as well, at first. But nobody is forcing them to do anything. Leaders of the groups have no official power. They can just present ideas. And if everyone agrees on those ideas, then the whole group benefits.'

'And so do you two,' Three said angrily. 'The students have no idea, do they? That their so-called friends, comrades, leaders, are conspiring against them!'

Emily stood up sharply. 'Enough,' she said quietly. Three and minervaartemis quietened down.

The student stepped forwards, the lamplight dancing across her face. 'Listen, Three. Are you telling me that you will not let us help you?'

Three snorted. 'Help me? Don't delude yourself. The only one you're helping here is yourself.'

'Then so be it,' Emily said quietly. 'You realise, however, that you cannot say anything about what has happened here?'

'You wish,' Three said, but there was a note of unease in her voice. 'I'm going to tell everyone exactly what you're planning, and then your precious power will be gone. You reckon people need an enemy to stay together? You're right. But that enemy is going to be you.'

Emily's face twisted. minervaartemis began to back away into the shadows. 'I am no ones enemy, Three,' she hissed. 'And I will not allow you to jeopardise the safety of these people, I will not allow you to destroy the peace I will make.'

A flash of fear crossed Three's face. 'You wouldn't kill me. And I'll tell everyone.'

Emily smiled. It wasn't nice. 'No, I won't kill you,' she agreed. 'It would rather draw attention. And besides, I don't want anyone to get hurt.' She hesitated. 'Much.'

There was a clatter outside the doors and the eyes of the three students shot to them. The great doors to the library began to creak open and minervaartemis dived for the light, which shut off and flooded the scene with darkness. The camera panned back to show the door and the three students, all of whom turned and ran in different directions as five trollz and a supervising elf marched through the doors and began to search.

'Who alerted security?' Miss Emrys queried.

'They heard the noise on their patrol. One of the trollz fetched an elf as back up and went to investigate,' Miss Emrys answered. She swiped at the video and folded it down into a tab, pulling up a different one. This one showed the library again, once again in darkness, but it was in an aisle of shelving. The distant sound of the patrol was audible on the feed, but it was at least a few aisles off. Three could be seen sneaking between a pair of shelves from the next aisle over, one hand on the brass rail that kept the books from falling off, stepping carefully. Clearly, her cat-genes had given her enough night vision to see where she was walking, but not enough to be certain of her footing.

Three walked down the centre of the aisle cautiously and quietly, head turning from side to side. Suddenly, another figure ran out of the next aisle over, nearly cannoning into her. From the skull shape, it had to be Emily.

The two girls seemed to struggle for a moment, making only the occasional shuffle and whisper.

'What's happened to the audio?'

'They were trying to keep the noise down. Didn't want to get caught by the patrol.'

'Can we pick anything up?'

Miss Maleficant nodded, tapped the video to pause it, and then waved her fingers in a complicated gesture. 'Audio, magnify, enhance central frequency, plus initiate audio analysis and run subtitles.'

The screen flickered and twisted, then beeped in confirmation. Miss Maleficant poked at the video again, and the footage started running.

The audio hissed slightly, but the girls voices were now mostly audible. Words flashed across the bottom of the screen as they continued to fight.

'Get off me!' Three hissed. Emily snarled.

'You're telling me to get away? You have ruined my plan-'

'Someone had to, you psycho,' Three whispered hoarsely, pushing her attacker away. 'Leave me alone. We'll both get caught.'

Emily grinned, showing her teeth. 'No we won't.'

'What does that mean?' Three circled her cautiously. 'Listen, we can both get out of this. Just forget about this, let us work together. We can make it out of here.'

Emily tilted her head to one side but didn't stop moving. 'Work together?'

'Yes!' Three looked relieved. 'I don't want to get caught here. I don't know what they do to students who get caught out of dorms but I don't want to find out!'

'Well, you know what they say,' Emily hissed. 'Curiosity killed the cat.'

Three paused. 'I just said I wasn't curious. That… didn't work.'

'Oh, shut up,' Emily whispered. 'It's not easy thinking this stuff up on the fly.'

'It's so much easier to write it,' Three agreed with a note of relief. 'I mean, my characters seem to be able to make up all these clever quips while they're talking to the villain so easily…'

'My point exactly,' Emily said with a gesture. 'Except my characters are usually taunting the hero.'

'So lets go,' Three whispered. 'C'mon. I don't know where minervaartemis is, maybe we can find her or just get out ourselves…'

Emily paused. 'Sorry. Nope.'

'Nope? What do you mean nope?' Three muttered frantically as she checked down the nearby aisles for patrols.

'I can't kill you,' Emily whispered. Three grew still. 'I can't even hurt you badly. But I can get you into so much trouble that you won't see daylight for months, and by then I'll have everyone on my side.'

Three's expression showed open horror. 'Emily, you don't have to do this.'

She paused. 'You're right. I don't.'

Three didn't relax. She knew what that meant. 'You just want to, huh?'

'Pretty much,' Emily shrugged, then grabbed Three by the shoulder. With unexpected strength, she hauled her sideways and threw her into the shelves, making a loud clatter. Most of a shelf of books fell down on her and the wooden shelf splintered as Emily grabbed a nearby ladder and swung it, breaking the wood and sending books flying, covers torn and pages ripped. Three lay crumpled unmoving on the ground, covered in books and splinters, blood running down the side of her face, and Emily dropped the shattered ladder on the floor and stumbled back. 'Sorry,' she whispered, and then she turned and ran quietly down the aisle, her large eyes taking in enough light to let her see.

Moments later, two trollz sprinted down the aisle and noted the damage. One of them – Miss Emrys recognised Folly – clopped forwards on his mismatched hooves and began to examine the fallen student. The other – it looked like Route – turned and sprinted back to the aisle, yelling in a surprisingly loud tone, 'Casualty! Someone get a medic!'

Miss Emrys watched dispassionately, noting that it was lucky for the girl that she'd got two of the more sensible trollz, not to mention one who could talk.

The feed juddered and faded to black. A replay icon faded into view and Miss Maleficant stood up and stepped into the hologram, shrinking the window and pulling down the other tabs.

'Well?' Miss Emrys asked. Miss Maleficant turned and pulled up another window. It was a medical report.

'Miss Three suffered a mild concussion and some head trauma. She was unconscious for approximately 44 hours and, without magic to aid her, would have suffered a three-day coma and some physical damage. With magic, she was fully healed inside two days.'

Miss Emrys frowned. 'This isn't the kind of thing that we can ignore.'

'I do not believe that Emily meant for this to happen, or for Three to be so seriously hurt,' Miss Maleficant said neutrally. 'I think we can safely leave this to bubble.'

Miss Emrys frowned pensively. 'I won't allow students to be permanently hurt or irreparably killed.'

'We'll have the medics on standby and security can be stepped up around the players in this little drama. Beyond that, I think it would be good for them to learn a little practical politics.'

Miss Emrys vacillated for a moment before deciding. 'Fine. But I want you to make sure that we can step in if necessary. And if their schoolwork starts suffering – always assuming it's possible for it to get worse – then I want this stopped.'

Miss Maleficant nodded once and left.


End file.
